After I recently wrote about how to make your kids off limits to abusers, readers emailed and asked for more information about how to handle certain situations, examples of more body safety rules and how to have adult-to-adult conversations about child sexual abuse prevention with family members, schools, day care providers and even strangers.
The news about the arrest of Marcela Orand, the former owner of in-home day care Little Monkeys, on charges that she sexually abused a child in her care gave me chills, and underscored the need to address those questions.
I am deeply grateful to have a day care provider whom I trust with my toddler. The lack of affordable child care in Anchorage is shocking, and many well-established facilities have waiting lists. Parents rely on day cares, schools and after-school programs to help manage the gap between work schedules and child supervision. The concept of unknowingly handing your child into the hands of a predator is gut-wrenching, and while there is no silver bullet to guarantee safety, there are steps you can take to reveal red flags.
Here's how to screen for safe caregivers and uncover the ones who might be dangerous. Ask questions. Then, listen to your instincts. If something feels "off," it probably is.
"The biggest barrier parents say is the fear of offending people," Feather Berkower, owner of Parenting Safe Children, said in a recent follow-up interview. "It's a back-and-forth conversation. You are looking to match expectations about whether people have body safety on their radar -- and if they don't, are they willing to learn?"
If you ask one question, make it this
"If you ask just one question, this is what I recommend," Berkower advises in one of her blog posts about school and day care. "What policies are in place to prevent child sexual abuse?"
You're looking for policies that address whether there is ever alone time between adults and children, about appropriate and inappropriate touching of children by adults or other children. You should also ask about "diapering, toileting, showering and changing clothes," according to Berkower.
Sound overboard? Consider this: Orand is accused of abusing a girl at the diaper changing table and while in the play area.
Also, ask potential nannies and babysitters questions like "What types of touching do you think are appropriate? What kinds of touching do you think are inappropriate?"
Here is the important part, during which your "spidey sense" and powers of observation come into play: Look for calm, open, direct responses to your questions. Maybe your day care provider or nanny hasn't had this conversation before and it becomes awkward. Talk through it to get a sense of whether the caregiver is receptive or defensive. Let them know it's not personal, that you're not accusing them of anything, but that you take your child's safety seriously and you merely want to match expectations to make sure your values and safety rules are a good fit with theirs.
Dig through Berkower's blog to find letters from parents describing how they use these conversations to screen babysitters, nannies and coaches.
Body safety rules
A conversation with another adult, like a parent who will supervise a play date or sleepover, might go something like this (this example is relevant to child care facilities and schools as well):
"I'd like you to know that my child knows body safety, and we trust and believe him when he tells us something is wrong. He knows not to keep secrets and that he is the boss of his body. He knows to keep his clothes on during play dates. He knows not to touch anybody's private parts and knows not to let anyone else touch or photograph his private parts. He also knows he can say no to adults -- including family members -- if he feels unsafe or uncomfortable. He can decide whether he wants to hug or kiss someone or show affection."
For Berkower, allowing a child to decline affection from a family member is huge. It reinforces to the child that they get to decide what to do with their body and with whom, an important lesson as they age into adolescence and adulthood.
Telling a child that they have to give a hug or a kiss to prevent someone else, especially an adult, from feeling sad or unhappy is the wrong message to send.
When we will tell children to offer affection to adults out of respect, "we are teaching children to manage the feelings of adults. These concepts are a precursor to date rape," Berkower said. "Your child is not responsible for managing the feelings of anyone but themselves. And they do it on their own terms."
The concept of doing what adults say so a child won't hurt anyone's feelings also paves the way for child abusers to have an "in" to the child's vulnerabilities, Berkower said.
Gut instincts, strangers and speaking up
One reader wrote for advice on what she called an "incredibly creepy situation" that took place at a restaurant. She had noticed a family eating at another table and didn't like the way the man with them was touching the young girls in front of their mother. What should she have done?
"If your gut is screaming, 'This feels wrong and looks wrong' and your intuition is telling you something isn't right, you are probably correct. Do not doubt yourself," Berkower said.
But, what steps should you take? That depends on your personality and what feels safe. There is no right answer.
"Say something to the child. Say something to the mother. Say something to all three of them," Berkower said, who admits she is bolder than most when it comes to questioning strangers about what's going on.
If walking up to a table of strangers and telling young children they have the right to say no to unwanted touching seems too invasive or aggressive, consider pulling the mother aside and talking with her privately about your concerns. Or pull the man aside and have the same talk. Or talk to the manager. Or call the police. For a child, the simple act of watching another adult reinforce that children can say no to adults and that they have control over their own bodies is a huge lesson they won't forget, Berkower said.
The Green Dot Project, an anti-violence movement that promotes small, everyday acts of intervention, encourages use of the "three Ds:" a choice of responses that represent either getting directly involved, delegating the task or using a distraction.
Good luck. Be safe. Use your voice. Be brave.