OPINION: The new formula for success: Do crime, claim immunity

Most everything pays better than owning a newspaper. A lemonade stand in the winter, a barber shop at a convention of bald men, dry cleaning services for Carhartts — even selling canned farmed pink salmon at an Alaska street fair — all could be more profitable than running a newspaper.

I used to think that publishing a quality paper, full of accurate, informative and entertaining news, always taking care to spell everyone’s name correctly, would produce enough revenue to pay the bills. But after reading more about political campaign donations, I realized there is an easier way to raise money: crime.

Not stealing directly, like robbing an ATM, jumping a prospector’s gold claim or bootlegging. Those are too risky of physical harm. And besides, they take too much work.

I think I have found an easier answer in Donald Trump.

Every time Trump is convicted of a crime, millions of dollars — sometimes tens of millions — pour in from supporters around the country.

In the days after he was found guilty of financial fraud in New York City in February, Trump’s campaign committee went to work actively soliciting donors to show their love and support for the convicted crook.

And in March and April, as it was clear that Trump would need to post a multi-hundred-million-dollar bond for the penalties and interest in the fraud case while he appeals the verdict, the candidate’s campaign committee and the Republican party opened the envelopes, harvested the online clicks and answered the phone to collect millions more in donations.

Then in May, after he was convicted on 34 felony counts of falsifying business records to pay off a woman who said she had an affair with Trump, the fundraising haul totaled $28 million in just two days. And that only counts donations of $200 or more — smaller payments were not counted. Trump’s campaign claims it raised almost $53 million, but we know his financial math is never to be trusted.

Anyway, reading about all the money that can be raised after committing a crime, I realized I am doing this newspapering all wrong. Forget the fair and accurate and trustworthy reporting — it doesn’t pay. Newspaper owners’ economic salvation rests in committing a crime and soliciting donations. Even better if convicted.

But what crime to commit in Alaska that could evoke public sympathy and donations? Certainly not poaching fish. Alaskans will put up with a lot of lawbreaking, but stealing fish out of a stream and threatening the health of a salmon run is not one of them.

Stashing liquids in a carry-on bag on a flight is a crime, but it’s too common of a violation to garner much sympathy — or donations.

Cheating on federal taxes is always popular and plays to public resentment over federal spending — except all that federal money that comes to Alaska, which we love. But you have to show a profit to pay taxes, which shuts off that opportunity for newspapers to cheat the IRS.

I struggled to think of the perfect crime, one that would produce public support and donations. Then I realized I just need to mimic Trump. I’ll ignore whatever laws I don’t like and then claim immunity. President, publisher — they’re both nine letters long, both go back to the time of the Founding Fathers, and maybe they’re close enough to fool this Supreme Court.

Larry Persily is a longtime Alaska journalist, with breaks for federal, state and municipal public policy work in Alaska and Washington, D.C. He lives in Anchorage and is publisher of the Wrangell Sentinel weekly newspaper.

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