It's the dog days of summer and the dog days of Alaska reality TV.
Despite my laziness, I somehow missed a new show, "Yukon River Run." I probably missed it because it's on National Geographic Channel, and they canceled "Ultimate Survival Alaska," so I'm mad at them. I just ignore everything they do. "Yukon River Run" follows three raft crews trekking downstream to sell goods to Alaska Native villages. According to Nat Geo, "Each raft, made from wood collected from logs and timber, will serve as their home and, ultimately, profit for the next five weeks." That's a whole lot of commas for one sentence.
I caught approximately 10 minutes of this program while cooking dinner, and there was a dude in the hospital, a bearded old guy that seemed kind of funny and some crazy-looking rafts. Seems worth it. I just can't stay mad at you, Nat Geo. "Yukon River Run" airs at 8 p.m. Mondays.
"Edge of Alaska" season two continues to introduce us to the characters of McCarthy. Neil Darish, the "villain" of the show, brings in massive new generator to feed even more power into McCarthy's growing summer tourism industry, and to quote my favorite summer reality TV program (ABC's "Bachelor in Paradise"): "Villains gotta vill." Meanwhile, his "enemy," Jeremy Keller, takes his son out on an unsuccessful moose hunt, and Jason Lobo talks to some of his animals. There's also an odd, gratuitous scene of a woman bathing off the grid that came out of nowhere.
But by far the most important scene of this week occurs at minute 36, when Tim Mischel is headed to his place on top of a mountain with his buddy Mark. After stopping at the old Kennecott mine to swig some whiskey, Tim rips a massive fart and then says, "Farting is dangerous. I about sh** my pants." I realize that last week, I was talking about these guys falling down on ice, and this week fart jokes … I have the sense of humor of a child. I would love to watch a spinoff that just followed these two around on their adventures.
TLC has been playing "Escaping Alaska" reruns again, and I forgot how totally scripted and bizarre that show was. I does make me wish that TLC would bring us another season of "Alaskan Women Looking for Love." Maybe Alaska women should just start filling out the casting call form on TLC's website.
Aside: My personal favorite reality casting call website is MTV. Some examples of people they are looking for: "Are you straight but moonlight as gay to pay the bills?" "Have you fallen in love with your cousin? Tell us about it." "Are you potentially the leader of a new spiritual movement?" "Lil Jon wants to pay it forward for you. Want his help?" And finally, my personal favorite: "Are you blurring the lines between man and machine?" And we wondered how MTV ever brought us that dumpster fire called "Slednecks."
Finally, a new season of "Bering Sea Gold" starts on Sept. 4. I'm so confused because it seems like there is perpetually a new season of "Bering Sea Gold" premiering on Discovery Channel. They should probably just get their own network that's just a 24-hour live stream following them around Nome.
Emily Fehrenbacher lives in Anchorage, where she reviews Alaska reality TV. You can reach her at realitycheck@alaskadispatch.com or on Twitter @ETFBacher.