Dear Wayne and Wanda,
My boyfriend is really great, except for this one annoying thing. He corrects everything I say, or at least it feels like he is always correcting me. He will get into arguments sometimes just for the fun of it, and he won't stop even once he realizes he's wrong. The other day we went around and around about whether pit bulls make good pets. I was saying they're great as long as they're properly trained, but he kept saying they are "programmed for violence" and ran in the other room to get online and pull up statistics about maulings. Anyway, whatever, it doesn't even matter who was on which side. The arguments are always about such stupid things but he won't let them go.
The main problem is he is very well-educated and 10 years older than me, so he is better at making his point, whereas I just get flustered. (He also went to law school for a year if that helps explain anything.) I wish I could do a better job explaining how I feel, but in the heat of the moment I just get upset. I have tried telling him that his arguing and correcting me just makes me feel bad, but he just laughs it off and says that's who he is. That's the way his whole family is too by the way. How do I get him to stop constantly correcting me?
-- Sometimes I'm Right
Wanda says:
Isn't that always the way? All boyfriends are really great, except for one annoying thing. It's relatively easy to ignore if the annoying thing is along the lines of smelly feet. It stops being cute when you're essentially serving as his verbal punching bag.
Remember that it takes two -- he can't argue with himself. Begin to recognize the exact moment where a conversation turns combative, and disengage immediately. Tell him you don't want to argue, and end it at that. Resist the urge to fight back. Forget that sometimes you're right. Of course you are. You're entitled to your opinion, even if you think alligators make ideal pets.
When he corrects you, remind him it upsets you and ask him to please not do it anymore. Say that and nothing else. Repeat until he learns.
Him: It's personification, not anthropomorphism.
You: It upsets me when you correct me. Please don't do it anymore.
Him: But you're wrong!
You: Still it upsets me when you correct me.
Him: I'm just trying to help so you don't sound stupid in front of other people!
You: Regardless it upsets me when you correct me, and I wish you wouldn't do it anymore.
Him: So you'd rather be wrong for the rest of your life?
You: I don't want to argue. I just want you to realize it upsets me when you correct me, and I'd like you to stop.
He can't treat you like a punching bag if you refuse to behave like one.
His instinct to refute whatever comes out of your mouth is not OK. That may be how he was raised and "who he is," but now he's in a relationship with you, and you don't like the arguing. Something has to change -- either he needs to start letting things go, or you need to let him go.
Wayne says:
Whoa now Wanda ... let me jump in here and correct you on a few things.
First, it's the girlfriends who often have one (or two ... or three ... or 12 ...) annoying little personality flaws stashed away, which they tend to unveil to us unassuming men after about the third month of dating -- right about the time everything seems to be running smoothly.
Second, anthropomorphism? Reader pop quiz: Guess which advice columnist received a Word of the Day calendar for Christmas. Save it for the book club, Wanda.
Third, while it might take two to argue, it only takes one insecure smartypants bully to screw up a perfectly good relationship.
This woman is living with a law school dropout who also happens to have a big brother complex. She's mild-mannered; he has arguing in his DNA. It doesn't take a grand jury to make a relationship ruling on this one.
And if the current state of arguing affairs isn't strong enough to dismiss this case, let's take a glimpse at the future. If they have children, the then-husband will argue with and correct the kiddos too. And soon we'll have a full house of mini-Matlocks arguing with and correcting mommy. Fun!
Sometimes a couple's personality differences complement and balance a relationship. Sometimes, as in this case, the differences are overwhelming and disastrous. You can try to plea bargain, but you're either going to have to accept the arguing or start packing your briefs because I don't see this guy changing his ways.
• Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.