Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I'm 46 years old, never dated, had a girlfriend or been married. I've spent many years looking after my elderly parents and have never thought of having anyone in my life.
Last year, I was waiting in line at Fred Meyer. A woman got in line behind me and said, "I would like to go out with you and have a good time." She told me I had a nice grin. I responded, "What a nice thing to say."
For several minutes, we talked. When it was my turn to be waited on, she motioned I go ahead. When I was finished, I turned, stopped and she was intently looking at me. She said, "Thank you for making me feel young again." I didn't know what to say, and we both waved goodbye. Ever since then, I have agonized over not doing more to know her.
I was so moved by her and her words for about three weeks off and on, I wrote about 10 poems trying to keep memory of that moment alive.
We recently moved to Arizona, and I have continued to think about this woman and feel badly for not doing more.
My only wish is to have had another chance -- to this time express myself to her as I should have. I'm just not that open to even accept an offer when the opportunity is there. And this is why I am very miserable, and now with my folks' ailing health I feel even more alone than ever. I hope somehow my letter to you could be printed in the hopes she may see this and possibly still be out there for me.
-- Very, Very Sad in Arizona
Wanda says,
Your letter makes me very, very sad too.
I'm tempted to only address the issue as you see it: namely, that you had an "I saw you" encounter in a grocery store, but then you moved away, and you still think about it. That would be way easier to talk about than what really needs to be said here. And that is:
You really, really, really need to get a life.
I apologize for how harsh that sounds. But man, if anyone ever needed to hear it, it's you. You're pushing 50 without ever having had a girlfriend, living with mom and dad, pining for a woman who probably doesn't remember you and sending desperate, hand-written letters to advice columnists in Alaska. I mean ... wow.
If you're unsure what "getting a life" would look like, start by getting out of the house! I know your parents aren't well, and I'm sorry to hear it. But you need to figure out a way to carve out a larger amount of time for yourself. Check out some library books about overcoming shyness. Sign up for classes at the nearest university. Take ballroom dance lessons, join a hiking club, do yoga, whatever. Find a part-time job at a coffee shop or something. Make a point of interacting with strangers -- especially women -- as often as possible. You say you're not open to offers when the opportunity is there, so your job is to become open and make more of those opportunities possible.
You're not going to get a second chance with the grocery store woman. But you do have a second chance to create the life you want.
Wayne says,
Harsh, Wanda, harsh. Since you're dispensing the tough love, I'll give the guy a little hope ...
The great modern poet Gucci Mane philosophized on the recent hip-hop hit "Break Up," that, "Girls are like buses; Miss one, next 15 one coming." It's confident, even a little crass, but Gucci's view on landing a significant other couldn't ring truer.
Next time you venture out of the house to return VHS tapes to Blockbuster, look around -- women are everywhere. Many are interesting. Some are available. A few are even attracted to quiet men with little life experience. How do you think all those engineers and accountants end up with families?
In fact, you don't even have to leave home to find women. They're right there, on your computer! Craigslist. Online dating sites. Chat rooms.
With all these options, don't think of this woman who initiated a flirty conversation as the one and only cure to your woes. Think of her as a model for what you're looking for in a woman: self-assured, aggressive, totally into sheltered dudes. Now hit your local Wal-Mart or Yahoo! Personals and throw yourself in front of her!
And don't think of your Fail on Aisle 4 as a lost opportunity. Embrace it as a learning moment. You're now prepared for the next time a woman throws out the bait -- bite hook, get reeled in.
(Word of caution: Once you enter the dating jungle, there's no turning back. And the first time a woman breaks your heart, you'll long for the days when you were safely sitting at home with your folks. But even getting dumped unceremoniously by a girl you once loved with all your heart beats the heck out of "Matlock" reruns and TV dinners for one.)
Good luck, buddy.
• Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.