Dear Wayne and Wanda:
Every day my husband lavishes kisses on my neck and back, he caresses the length of my body, he cradles my breasts in his hands. The problem is, it's 4 in the morning and I want to sleep. What can I do besides keep a weapon under my pillow? He's 80. I'm 72.
-- Just Want Some Shuteye
Wanda says,
I'm going to ignore my initial reaction, which was along the lines of: Aw, that's sweet! This couple is still gettin' it on in their golden years; I hope I'm like that! ... and so on.
I mean, sure it's nice that your partner is still attracted to you, that he still desires you and wants to lavish you with attention. But that's hardly the point. The point is that you're feeling harassed on a daily basis, and you need to figure out how to put a stop to these unwanted (at least at this time of night) advances before you bop your man on the head.
The solution requires forthright communication, and not during one of these early morning heavy petting sessions. Find a time to sit down and talk candidly and seriously about your needs. It may feel a little awkward to talk about sex over breakfast, but it's the only way you're going to get him to change his behavior.
You don't need to be confrontational about it. Just tell him you love how he loves you, but you need your sleep -- and being awakened at 4 a.m., no matter how lovely the intention, only makes you feel irritated.
Here's the important part: Ask him to help come up with the solution. I'm generalizing, but men are wired to want to fix problems -- if he thinks it's his idea, he will be more likely to follow through.
Sweet dreams!
Wayne says,
Problem? Wanda, the real problem here is that this lucky old dog is getting more action than most of us young whippersnappers! We should all be so fortunate to be so, um, energetic in our older years, and so opportune to land a life partner with the same, um, vigor.
Look, I understand that regular sleep is important at any age, but I'm not sure that you all are grasping the situation here. Most couples can't even stand the sight of one another after five years, much less have regular, spontaneous sex.
And most American bodies are either so worn down or so out of shape by 50 that a walk to the front door to grab the newspaper is considered a workout. In that light, this man's lust for his lover should be celebrated, not discouraged!
So yeah, you can have a talk about it. And if he's as generous a partner as he is a lover, he will understand and work around it. But I wouldn't make any threats and put a damper on your man's spirits -- you might not be able to teach an old dog new tricks, but old dogs who aren't getting enough affection can certainly learn how to use Craigslist. Just saying.
My advice: Institute a "no Viagra before bed" policy. That should do it.
• Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.