Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I'm in love with my best friend and she knows it. She's told me she's not interested in me like that and she doesn't want to ruin our friendship/creative partnership (we're both artists and collaborate a lot). Oh, and she has a boyfriend.
It's come up a few times when we're drinking and one time we kind of made out and she said that can never happen again. It sucks to be so attracted to her and see her with other guys. On the other hand, I don't want to throw our friendship away either. Should I stop hanging out with her?
-- Mr. Unrequited
Wanda says:
Don't quit the friendship entirely, but take a break. It sounds like you both could use it and if you don't step back,the friendship could suffer irreparably. You're in a pattern now, and not a healthy one: Nefarious or not, she's using you both professionally and also as a make-out buddy when she's having a low-self-esteem day. And you're spinning your wheels pining for her -- and I'm guessing you've also got blinders up to other opportunities.
Close friendships like this -- ones that include chemistry and mutual attraction -- can be exhilarating and fun, but they can also block us from discovering fulfilling relationships. Your friend is essentially your stand-in girlfriend, someone you've described as a best friend, a muse and a companion. As long as you're hanging around her, why bother looking for someone else?
And that's no good. For one, she's already got a partner. And secondly, she's told you point-blank that she's just not into you like that. You're not going to move on if she's in your face and space all the time. To give this complicated friendship a fighting chance, take a sabbatical.
Wayne says:
Kind of made out? Yeah, and I kind of enjoyed some food and drink over the extended Thanksgiving weekend, too.
I agree that you need a break, but it's not about making things less complicated; it's about gaining some self-respect. She's playing with your emotions, bro -- you make her feel great and she knows you're in her pocket. Until you stop being all depressed artist around her and prove to yourself that you can make magic with new muses, she's going to keep stringing you along.
So pack up your paintbrushes and move on to a new studio … or whatever it is you crazy artists do. You need to be strong, and you need some fresh perspectives and new creative outlets. After a while, she'll ask what's up and where you've been. Tell her you're respecting her relationship and trying to get to a place where you can have a healthy, platonic relationship with her. Then you'll find out if she is truly a friend, if she was just using you the whole time or if she's crazy about you and was just scared to take the leap.