Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I don't need advice but I am curious to know what you think: I have a friend who says she wants children and marriage, but she keeps getting into relationships with guys who are either not ready for kids and marriage or don't want them. Messy, painful breakups ensue. What gives?
-- Fed Up Friend
Wayne says:
There's just something so stunningly attractive about people who float around life unburdened by the stress of finding "the one" or the anxiety of hearing the ticking-getting-louder-by-the-second baby clock. They're always charming and healthy, always travel and do fun things, and always have more money and time to spend than the rest of us. And they are always in the right place for us to meet them: on all the dating sites, in the cool bars and restaurants, at the big concerts, in the gym and on the trails. They're difficult to avoid and damn near impossible not to be interested in.
But if your friend had true conviction in her relationship wants, needs and beliefs, she would also have the willpower to block people like that from her serious dating lineup. I suppose there's no harm in trying them out for a date or two. Heck, a few of those folks actually want to have a family someday, just like her. But unless they are knocked off their feet, most are quite content living the high life in the moment, with their only plans beyond next week being the exotic country they're going to have their passport punched in next.
If by the third date she hasn't laid out her future dreams to her date, she's not as serious as she says she is or deep inside, she's afraid it might actually happen and she'll have to settle down.
Wanda says:
A girlfriend of mine spent years professing her nearly irrepressible need for a hubbie and babies. Her expressed desire clearly manifested in her actions; her social life was a full-court-press to find a husband, a steady stream of leaps of faith and new dates with new men, often resulting in relationships that lasted for months or more.
But the couplings always collapsed in dramatic fashion. The problem? She was casting in the wrong pond. Girlfriend was hooking up with late-night party boys, social dudes who were happiest surrounded by booze and babes. No judgment on them. But these men were not of the marriage-ready variety.
And like I told her, you're not going to catch a halibut in a swimming pool. If you're friend really wants to settle down and play perma-house with a forever-dude, she needs to throw her line in the right body of water, with the right bait.
As for my friend, she eventually met Mr. Right -- not at a downtown bar on a drunken night, but on eHarmony. And not with a Night 1 hook-up, but after a slow, thoughtful, measured courtship. If your friend is serious about a serious relationship, she will take a step back and reevaluate her approach and methods, and start selecting men who potentially share her future dreams and the present-day commitments required to achieve them.
Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.