Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I recently started dating "Shelly." She is funny, very cute and a cool girl, and I felt from the start like this might be something serious down the road. But the other day she threw me for a loop when she told me how she thinks it's funny we're dating when I'm not "her type." I asked what she meant by that (maybe I shouldn't have, but I had to know) and she said that typically she likes guys who are much taller and have darker hair, or are even "ethnic" -- she joked that she's been something of a United Nations of a dater.
So I'm on the shorter side (if she wears heels, she's taller) and I'm about as blond as blond can get, and my friends have joked that my complexion is either as white as a sheet of paper or sunburned. Basically, I'm not at all what Shelly likes in a man.
Before, I felt like we were really mutually into each other, and the sex was good, but now I'm overthinking everything, wondering if this really has a chance if she's already decided I don't fit what she's looking for. Should I bring it up again or let it go?
Wanda says:
Ask me my favorite meal, and I would say, hands down, a good old-fashioned medium-rare steak dinner, preferably a filet with a red wine demi glaze, a scoop of fluffy mashed potatoes and perfectly steamed broccoli. Yum! But I also really love sushi. And man, do I enjoy a slice of cheesy mushroom pizza. And I have a weak spot for any Mexican food.
Do you understand where I'm going with this? Just because one has a preference, or a favored thing, doesn't mean he or she doesn't like many, many things. Shelly may have been simply sharing an amusing observance that while you don't play to her usual type, she's certainly smitten. Granted, her delivery was tacky and left room for your doubts and insecurities to bloom, which is unfair. Rather than make a huge thing of it, enjoy the fact that she has chosen you.
Also, consider that women may be more tuned into "their type" than men are. Here's data: On the popular dating app Tinder, men are way less picky. Tinder, for those not in the know, offers minimal information about potential matches, basically just showing what one looks like, how old they are, where they're located, and perhaps includes a sentence or two of description (e.g. "Just here for fun" or "Looking for a partner in crime, wink"). So men and women, when browsing Tinder for romantic connections, have little to go on but one's looks. The result? Men "like" potential matches and swipe to the right 46 percent of the time, while women do it just 14 percent of the time, The New York Times reports.
Translation: Men have a much broader spectrum of what they're into, while women can be much more selective about what physical attributes draw them in.
Wayne says:
My friend, I'm pretty sure that what you've done here is … knock her socks off! You are such an amazing friend, partner, listener and lover that you blew up her preconceived ideas of what she thought she wanted and needed in her love life. If anything, you should be puffing out your chest instead of doubting yourself. You are the short, pale, blond and charming dude that she couldn't and still can't resist.
And it's not like you not fitting her type was a deal-breaker. A deal-breaker means this isn't happening if you do/are this. Smoking; different tax brackets; religious beliefs; children or not -- those are deal-breakers. You simply don't fit the type of man she usually dates -- far from a deal-breaker. In fact, it's a world-expander.
Now sure, her bedside manner could use some work, but your in-bed work must be pretty good because she's all in on you. You've thrown her a curveball and she's loopy about her love life right now; forgive her for a little insensitive chatter. And as for your sensitivity, dude, come on. You won her over and you clearly really like her. File her comment away as a compliment and move on already. And continue showing her how spectacular life can be when you don't put limitations on love and friendship.
Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@adn.com.