Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I am dating "Shelly." Shelly divorced a couple years ago. I am crazy about this girl. The problem is I don't hear from her enough. I text Shelly good morning and text at lunch to tell her about my day and ask how she is. I would say nine out of 10 times she doesn't respond. At night I will text to see what she is doing, and usually she doesn't respond until right before bed, and then she sends me a super long text that really is more like an email about everything she did that day. I always reply but usually by the time I do, she has gone to sleep. We never talk on the phone.
We see each other a few nights a week and spend the night together when we do, but we are both really busy (she also has shared custody of two kids) and we both work a lot. We have also agreed to go slow and not move in together anytime soon. So if Shelly and I are going to keep this going, I think we need to talk more often, and today, "talking" means texting. What can I do to get her to step it up? I really like this girl, but chatting with flirty exes on Facebook is a lot more tempting when my girlfriend basically ignores me.
Wanda says:
I am going out on a limb here and guessing the last time divorcee Shelly was single and mingling, it was in a slower, quieter era where the vast majority of us relied on face-to-face, phone calls and archaic answering machines to stay connected with our partners.
Times have changed, for sure. We move faster and talk more. Check out this data: A Pew Research study in 2011 found the average American 18- to 24-year-old sends or receives an average of 109.5 text messages per day, and the number has grown since then. Slow-on-the-response partners are at risk of offending; AT&T conducted a survey that found the biggest texting turn-off wasn't people being vague or rude, but not replying quickly enough.
We could debate all day whether this is great news or the death of society, but consider this 2013 study by Jesse Fox, Ph.D., and Katie M. Warber, Ph.D., about the impact of social media interaction on development of today's relationships. They determined relationships typically follow a predictable path: first, two people meet in person, browse each other's social media accounts, and become Facebook friends; second, one requests the other's phone number and texting commences; third, one finally invites the other to a real-life meet-up, usually in a group setting; finally, they may transition to phone calls or a private, in-person date.
Good or bad, this is the way of the pack. Tell Shelly to step it up. In today's dating climate, it isn't all about how we act when we're together. It's also about how we interact when we're apart.
Wayne says:
Death of society, Wanda. Debate over. Evidence: Our friend says that texting equals talking. Really? So I suppose that makes emailing the equivalent of a nice meal together, live chatting a hand-in-hand walk on a beautiful night, and FaceTiming/Skyping a really rich dessert and make-out session after that dinner and walk? And seriously, can you say that you've truly bought in to taking things slow if you're mind goes to exes every time your girlfriend doesn't immediately respond to your slew of texts?
I appreciate your hunger for attention and validation from someone you're really into, especially if they're hard to reach and you barely see each other anyway. But bro, you also have to understand that she is probably already at her communication limit with her daughters, her ex-husband and the life she was leading before you and your nonstop emoticons invaded her phone. Oh, and her job, which I'm guessing doesn't allow her to spend all day pecking at her phone or chatting on social media. Is she a doctor or nurse? A cook or server? On the road or in the conference room? Works with people all day? Upper management or surrounded by upper management?
Look, I agree with you and Wanda that you deserve a little more communication from her, and texting is an easy connection in our busy world. But I also hope that you temper your expectations a bit and understand her life and limitations. If she's really into you and you're really into her, you'll agree to meet each other halfway on the text request.
Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.