Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I've been with a 70-year-old man for almost five years in an exclusive relationship. We don't live together but I do stay over sometimes. Sunday we were sitting on the couch, the door opened, and in walked his old girlfriend from about 20 years ago. They are still the best of friends, talk on the phone frequently and visit each other, but she visits him more than he visits her.
When she came in she squeezed between me and the table and went over to sit beside him on the couch. There were plenty of other places to sit, but she sat within an inch or two of him. She also announced she wasn't wearing a bra.
I feel certain if her husband of 15 years or so had been there, she would not have been sitting there. She just wanted to show me she could ... and she was right. He didn't move! That I can handle, but then he gets mad at me because of the expression on my face. According to him, I'm too jealous. He calls it "jealous," I call it downright angry.
We called the relationship over and haven't spoken since. I feel they were both being immature and showed a complete lack of respect for me. He has always been a lot of fun and I miss him, but I'm thinking it may be time to move on. At his age I doubt anything is going to change. Please give me your words of wisdom!
-- Too Jealous???
Wanda says:
I have three words of wisdom: Don't look back! If all it took to torpedo this twosome was a fleeting and misinterpreted facial expression, you're better off moving on.
Miss Bra-less cannonballed into your quiet Sunday and cozied up to your dude. Show me a woman who wouldn't respond with at least a choice facial expression. She was peeing on your fire hydrant and you didn't like the smell one bit, thus the ensuing Look that Mr. Man took for jealousy but was really just your disbelief and anger rumbling below the surface.
But guys don't like it when we get angry. Angry women are unpredictable and do crazy stuff like express their feelings, demand changes and cry. It's easier for the ego to envision we're just so pained that another person is challenging us for their affection than it is to accept they've done wrong. Guys don't like when they've done wrong, because it means they then have to do right, which means they have to change something, and change takes work. Much easier and less effort for the male to simply assume you're jealous.
But before labeling you jealous, your dude should have considered your track record as someone who gives him space and was OK with him maintaining contact with his ex. You've put in serious time and grace proving yourself to be an agreeable and compromising companion. If he can't appreciate that, time to head on to your next adventure.
Wayne says:
I'm not sure what kind of naughty nursing home or swinging retirement community you all are living in, but I hope my future grandkids send me there the second I start annoying them.
It's a little funny and deeply disappointing to realize that no matter how old some people get, they can still act like children. Like Pop-Pop the Player over here. (Oh, and like me occasionally.) He and his flirty friend disrespected you in a major way, and you have every right to feel jealous, angry or any darn way you want to feel about it.
You also have every right to react to the dis. So you made a face -- big deal. They're lucky you didn't storm out the door and cut the brake lines on their Rascal Scooters. (Just kidding, of course.) And if he thinks you looked angry, I'm guessing her husband would have had the look of a nuclear meltdown if he saw his old lady sitting bra-less next to a frisky ex.
The whole situation is so high school and they seem to revel in it. And you're right -- they aren't going to change. You did the right thing by moving on and letting those two do what they do. I know heartbreak hurts at any age, but you deserve to enjoy your golden years with a golden guy. Good luck.
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