Dear Wayne and Wanda,
"Clark" and I work at the same restaurant/bar and had kind of a casual thing for the last couple of years. Recently, we decided to make it official, and we are now monogamous and officially together and dating.
During those couple of years when we were just hooking up, Clark saw other girls. He's really gorgeous and fun and I know he met girls at work, and even hung out with a couple other girls we work with at the restaurant (awkward).
Since we have made things official, Clark is still as flirty as ever with other women, and I will see him checking women out. I have told him it bothers me and he said he can't help it but he would never cheat on me and that there is a big difference between noticing a beautiful woman and trying to hook up with her. I want to add, I have never had problems attracting guys. I'm in my 20s, I'm blond, I stay in shape — I'm very cute. So this isn't me worrying that he isn't going to be attracted to me. I just wish now that we are official, he would, I don't know, act like a boyfriend a little more, instead of still acting single.
So the other day when he was in the shower, he left his phone out. I know I shouldn't have, but I checked his texts and saw he had recent (like, that day or the day before) texts with several of his former hookups, including one of the girls from work.
I didn't have much time to read them, but the texts were part of longer ongoing conversations, mostly small talk about how their days were going and what their weekend plans were, and nothing incriminating. But why is he even writing to them (especially the one we work with and see every day) if he doesn't plan to cheat or break up with me?
Now I want to confront him about the texts, but that means I admit I snooped. I feel like I don't trust him and he isn't really invested in this relationship. Help?
Wanda says:
So you're in the restaurant business: You know those people who order their dinner but hang on to the menu because they want to look at it some more? Yep, that's Clark. He's apparently committed to you, yet he can't help but keep browsing alternatives.
Welcome to one of the great paradoxes of modern dating: Because so many apps like Tinder help us access so many available singles, it should be easier than ever to meet someone; yet the sheer volume of options we're surrounded by, which effectively constantly remind us of just how many single people there are nearby, makes it harder than ever for some to actually settle down and commit.
The thrill of connecting with strangers can also be intoxicating. I have a girlfriend who has "matched" with dozens of men on Tinder but only actually followed through with meeting a couple in person. For her, it was way more fun to get that ego boost from a mutual connection, and maybe share some enticing, playful texts.
The bottom line: Many these days think, why bother with the headaches and hardships of relationships when one could instead have an exciting torrent of new, no-strings-attached liaisons for the foreseeable future?
Well, there are all kinds of good reasons why. While hookups can be fun, they don't provide the emotional support, intellectual stimulation or sustained companionship that one can draw from a committed relationship. And it sounds like you are ready to try out this next level with Clark as your chosen companion.
But is Clark ready? In relationships, we shouldn't keep friendships a secret from our primary partner, and we should never be doing things (like texting exes) that we feel we have to hide. It's especially troubling that he keeps texting with your coworker who, as you pointed out, is someone you both see regularly, anyway. I think it's time to have a face-to-face chat with Clark about whether he's seriously ready to be a one-woman guy.
Wayne says:
You ever hear the saying, "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life"? Well, your boyfriend is loving his life, his work and his tips. He's built a nice career and track record from flirting on and off the clock. He's darn good at it too — women love it, yourself included. And now you expect him to dial it down? He can't help himself — flirting is what he does!
You're reading his texts as evidence that he isn't fully committed to you. I read them as he's simply maintaining friendships and connections he had before you two got serious. There's nothing damning there. He just doesn't understand that constantly communicating with other women is stepping over the relationship line because that's what he's always done — act friendly with the ladies.
So first, you need to give him a little understanding. And then you need to introduce him to boundaries. Tell him that you know he can't help being his usual charming self and that people (women) eat that up. Heck, it's part of what attracted you to him. But let him know the things he can control — taking his charming to flirting levels, giving women his phone number, leaving work friends at work and checking out women when he's already got a hottie in his life.
It might take him some time to fully understand the concept of these boundaries and implement them in his daily life. But I feel like he already gets what's really important here — that you're the main course in his life.
Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.