I'm a single woman in my mid-30s, and after failing for several years to really meet anyone interesting, I decided to try online dating. I've never been married but I would like to be, and I'd like to have kids too. So I figured I should go for it. It's worked for several friends, so why not?
I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I have a lot to offer. I have a steady job I love, good friends, I own a home, I don't have much debt and I've been in a couple long-term relationships, so I'm not completely clueless. Besides all that stuff that looks good on paper, I think I'm fun and I'd be a great girlfriend and, someday, wife, if I could just meet the right guy.
OK, so here's the problem. I have been on these sites a few weeks now, looking for guys in their early 30s to early 40s, and I feel like every guy who I match with or who messages me or likes my photos is either "separated" or pretty recently divorced.
Fundamentally, I don't think I have a problem dating a guy who's been married. I mean, if they've already been married, it's assurance they aren't afraid of commitment, right? So while I haven't done it, I don't think that's the issue. I would even try dating someone with kids. The problem for me is some of these guys still technically are married, and some of them haven't been un-married that long.
Having never been married myself, I have no idea how long a guy needs to "get over" a wife. Like, if he's been divorced six months — too soon? What about a year? Is there any way to tell? I don't want to waste time going on first, second and third dates with men who aren't emotionally ready to move on.
Wanda says:
You know how turkeys come with those little things that pop up so you know when they're ready? Uh, yeah: men don't have that. The only thing on them that pops up, alas, seems to suggest they are always ready; and maybe they are, physically. But being emotionally ready to reconnect after a marriage crumbles is another story.
Once (and never again), I dated a guy who wasn't yet divorced, but still "separated." He assured me the marriage was long over, that he had no plans or hopes to rekindle it and it was basically all over except the legalities. This was not untrue. But those legalities were consuming, exhausting and an emotional roller coaster all on their own.
Before I knew it, I felt more like his counselor as he railed against his "crazy ex" and strategized with a lawyer about custody, child support and alimony. Because I really liked him, I didn't want to admit it then, but in time I realized and now know for sure that he absolutely was not ready to date. And frankly, that part of the relationship was confusing, exhausting and no fun at all.
What about someone who is divorced? Is he ready? This varies wildly. Some things to look for: pay attention to whether he seems to have truly moved past his marriage or whether he still talks extensively or in a heightened negative way about his ex. Does he seem open to new experiences? Has he already tried dating? Because, really, you don't want to be the first person he's dated after marriage. And has he shown that he's trying to have a social life in other ways, too, like hanging out with friends and doing social things? These are all positive signs and would be a good indication it's safe to at least give it a shot.
Wayne says:
Gobble gobble, Wanda! You've got us testosterone-filled turkeys all figured out!
But remember: lonely birds of a feather flock together. And whether you're a rooster or a hen, when it comes to rebounding from long-term relationships even the finest feathered of us can quickly turn into birds of prey just looking for the nearest warm nest. Enough ornithology for today, children …
My next lesson is translating statuses from the online dating jungle. "Separated" equals "big red flag." "Recently divorced" equals "caution, big yellow flag." And "It's complicated" means, well, "It's complicated." And who wants complicated?
Online dating is tough enough and I feel for you. Lucky for you, your instincts are spot on. Now that you've been out there for a bit, it's time you set some standards, boundaries and deal-breakers if you're serious about finding someone serious. Time spent trying to develop a relationship with someone who hasn't even wrapped up their last relationship is time wasted for someone like you.
So let the separated talk to their lawyers, shrinks, favorite bartenders and moms (and probably their exes) while you spend your time with emotionally unburdened prospects looking for love, not just a bounce-back. Good luck.
Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.