Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I have a dear friend who's dating a horrible guy. He's a super critical kind of person who's always needling her with comments on her career, her race, her weight, etc. She's no pushover, but can't seem to leave him either, and they fight a lot. I believe their fights have even gotten physical.
We've had long talks about how she deserves a caring and respectful partner, but she's totally hung up on making it work with this guy. Meanwhile he shows no signs of changing.
So here's my question — they're together for now and often go to the same parties and events that I go to. I don't want to talk to this dude or pretend that we're all friends, because of what I know about their relationship. At the same time, I'm worried that if I snub him (and them as a couple) she'll just feel like I'm judgy and not on her side, and then she won't confide in me if she needs help.
What should I do? Play dumb and be nice (for now)?
Wanda says:
We all only want the best for our dearest friends, and it's frustrating and painful when we see them squandering time and energy with partners who appear to only take them for granted and diminish them versus enhance them.
On the bright side, it sounds like, scientifically, your friend is in a doomed-to-fail affair and will be freed up eventually. What do I mean? According to "The Masters of Love," a June 12, 2014, article in The Atlantic, in relationships, one is either a "master" or "disaster." This is based on researcher John Gottman's work where he hooked couples up to electrodes and monitored blood flow, heart rates and how much they sweated while discussing their relationship. Several years later, he checked in on the couples' statuses and compared outcomes to physiological data he collected.
What he found: Couples that broke up were what he labeled "disasters" based on their data. Operating in near-constant defensive states, anticipating criticism and attacks, these couples' physiological tells were heightened and sounding alarms. Statistically, they tended to break up.
So your friend may yet be set free. In the meantime, you walk a tightrope; call out her douchey boyfriend and she may push you away, but keep silent and your friend could actually be in abusive danger, either emotionally, physically or both. For guidance, try the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
Wayne says:
To tell a friend about their shady partner or not to tell a friend about their shady partner … Usually when Wanda and I receive messages from concerned friends, there's some gray area or wiggle room about whether to speak up, keep quiet or mind their darn business. In this case, it's crystal clear: This guy's a total jerk!
So, for the final time, sit your friend down and have a conversation that begins with you telling her that she can't fix this and it's time to move on. Consider it a heart-to-heart Hail Mary.
Sure, she probably still doesn't want to hear it. But situations like these are when friends are supposed to step up. Your bestie needs to hear the truth, and she needs to hear it from you, someone who has watched the whole relationship play out, seen her get bullied and emotionally beaten up, and loves her enough to have tough, awkward conversations about helping her get out.
And this isn't judging; it's caring. Hopefully she's ready to receive your love and message. Either way, you can move forward without carrying this weight anymore. You've given your best to your friend and you certainly don't have to act like you enjoy her boyfriend's company anymore.
Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.