‘Carry-On’ is a wild airport thriller. We asked TSA for a reality check.

This story contains spoilers.

A documentary about airport security would be a snooze - a montage of travelers looking sheepishly at their full water bottles and gasping as their pricey face serum over 3.4 ounces ends up in the Transportation Security Administration trash.

But this holiday season, we received a cellulose-wrapped gift with Netflix’s “Carry-On.” The thriller, which takes place at Los Angeles International on Christmas Eve, has a bit of the warm and fuzzies of “Love Actually,” the antics of “Home Alone,” and the intensity of “Die Hard.”

It also has a lot of falsehoods.

“The film is meant to be entertaining as a fictional film,” said TSA spokesman R. Carter Langston, “and not as a reflection of reality.”

One cultural commentator described the movie as “unabashed copaganda” that doubles as an “extremely stupid thriller.” Langston said the filmmakers did not consult with the agency, though former Homeland Security advisers and experts did advise. In a blurring of real and imaginary, TSA commended several of the characters for their “heroic actions” in an Instagram post and awarded them a token of gratitude.

“They bravely, calmly, and epically, foiled the plans of individuals with malicious intent to bring something we would describe as ‘a big no-no’ on the plane,” the post says.

As seasoned travelers, along with input from real TSA, we’re giving some of the fictional airport procedures, actions and depictions a reality check.

The airport looks good … too good.

Possibly the most outrageous detail in the movie is set in an airport bathroom where - this stopped us in our tracks - the mirrors are ringed in flattering light. Have you ever caught a glimpse of your dehydrated face under the harsh fluorescent lights after a long flight? This is a fictional world we’d like to live in.

While we’re calling out too-good-to-be-true flourishes, the citrus decor at an apparent fast-casual spot is cuter than anything we’ve seen in most terminals. And while the movie depicts some traffic at and leading to the airport, we cry foul because cars are moving, and there are parking spots.

No shade to LAX, or at least minimal shade, but it should come as no surprise that the movie was not actually shot there. Director Jaume Collet-Serra told Netflix that filming was done in New Orleans, at the old Louis Armstrong New Orleans International Airport terminal.

Contraband Bingo is (probably) not a thing.

At the beginning of a shift, a TSA officer announces a game of “Contraband Bingo” for the entry price of $5 a card. Among the items he lists as forbidden: gummies, knives, bullets and various iterations of adult toys. While weapons must be placed in checked bags and weed gummies are illegal to fly with under federal law, sexual aids are permitted through checkpoints. TSA spelled out the details in a Valentine’s Day post in 2021.

“I am not aware of there being any games such as Contraband Bingo,” TSA spokeswoman Lisa Farbstein said in an email.

She pointed out another plot hole: “And nobody came through the checkpoint with a water bottle?! That’s how you know it was fiction! LOL.”

There are no catchy TSA chants.

“Carry-On” features a surprising number of mantras for a government agency. During a start-of-shift meeting, officers chant along with their supervisor: “Keep the lines moving, keep the people safe.”

“Moving and safe,” the supervisor says. “If we do that, you, me and 200,000 passengers will forget today ever happened.”

At a checkpoint, an officer introduces another saying as a call-and-response with travelers: “Put it in the bin!” As in: Whatever you’re carrying, put it in the bin. Farbstein said she’s not seen that approach.

Though there is one phrase we hear from Farbstein often: “Perhaps the chant could be: ‘If you can spill it, spread it, spray it, pump it or pour it, then put it in a checked bag!’”

Mostly true: Checkpoints are a riddle.

Airport security routines aren’t uniform; your instructions might be different depending on the airport or terminal.

Some scenarios depicted in the movie don’t necessarily follow reality. At one point, a woman protests going through a scanner with this argument: “I’m not going through that machine so you and your perv buddies can take naked photos.”

In reality, travelers can tell TSA officers they opt out of a scanner - but the alternative will be a pat-down.

Another scenario involves a young person trying to use her student ID at a checkpoint. The officer asks if she has a passport or anything else. It’s not clear whether the student is allowed through security, but in real life, she might have a shot even if she didn’t have official identification.

“TSA would put her on the phone with someone who will ask her dozens of personal questions and she would need to be able to respond accurately,” Farbstein wrote. “So if she has a student ID, that could be part of the questioning.”

Security Santa does not exist.

The security checkpoint is not an office cubicle. “Distractions” such as personal phones and cups of coffee (spillage on Lane 2!) are not allowed, Langston said.

Also in the movie, an officer wore a Santa hat, even though staff can’t accessorize their uniforms with holiday trimmings.

“TSA officers are supposed to wear only wear their uniforms while performing their official duties,” Farbstein said. She did, however, provide a video of TSA employees singing holiday songs in festive garb.

Security is layered, and one compromised officer should not equal doom.

In the movie, Jason Bateman plays a diabolical traveler whose nefarious plan relies on exploiting one TSA officer’s vulnerability. That’s an unlikely scenario, officials say.

“TSA security screening incorporates a multi-layered security process, which includes our vigilant frontline workforce, vetting, and a variety of screening technologies to screen individuals and their property and detect any present threats,” Langston said.

Get to the airport early during the holidays. No lies detected here.

You never know what could derail your journey …