Into the mild: Tips for planning your great Alaska staycation

JUNEAU — An Alaska staycation is the staycation of a lifetime. In fact, many locals spend their whole lives on permanent staycation.

And for good reason: the Last Frontier abounds with scenery, wildlife, arts and culture, Native heritage, history, dining and weather that inspires some to adventure, others to year-round seasonal affective disorder. Either way, you're not going to work.

Whether staycationing in Alaska for a few days, a week or basically your entire existence, you'll find plenty to keep you occupied (yard maintenance alone may suffice).

Popular Alaska staycation activities include: going to Fred Meyer; whale watching; kale watching (it grows pretty fast in the Land of the Midnight Sun; Swiss chard, too); complaining about all the construction; fishing or, at the very least, diddling with fishing gear; going back to Fred Meyer; supposedly cleaning out your garage without making any noticeable progress; mindlessly browsing Ikea catalogs despite knowing full well Ikea doesn't ship to Alaska; shooting something; smoking something; going back to Fred Meyer yet again; eating an entire bucket of mini cinnamon rolls.

Not sure how to start? Here's a sample itinerary:

Day 1: Deadliest couch

Treat yourself to 24 hours straight catching up on all your Alaska-based television — Wikipedia lists at least 30 different TV series set here. If you're already up to speed on all the reality shows — and what dutiful Alaskan isn't? — try more obscure titles, like the 1974 cop drama "Kodiak," featuring Trooper Cal "Kodiak" McKay or 1959-60 Western "The Alaskans," starring a pre-007 Roger Moore as Klondike hustler Silky Harris. Now that's good watchin'!

Day 2: Glacier viewing? Or CoolSculpting?

Glaciers rank among Alaska's most popular attractions; those with visitor centers rank among its least disgusting public restrooms (some even have running water and flush toilets). To truly appreciate the size and pace of a glacier, experience rush-hour traffic at the intersection of Tudor Road and Lake Otis Parkway.

Afterward, visit one of those new clinics that freezes off fat. Did you know Anchorage has one now? Palmer and Juneau, too. Can we truly keep calling ourselves the Last Frontier once we begin offering Cryolipolysis™ CoolSculpting™?

Spend the night at a local bed-and-breakfast. Or, just throw a giant doily on your own bed, then cook up some sourdough pancakes and make inane small talk with yourself all morning. Same thing.

Day 3: Fill your snack hole

These days, Alaska's culinary scene offers all sorts of options: carts, stands, shacks AND trucks. Many contemporary brick-and-mortar establishments feature elaborately tattooed kitchen and wait staff, so you know they're good, too.

Treat yourself to as many meals as you can afford (but save at least a few bucks for when Dave & Buster's opens). Try someplace you've never been, like that Chinese restaurant/motel that's been flying the same "Grand Opening" flags for the last decade.

For a taste of what Alaska's dining scene used to be like before the foodies took over, crack open a can of Spam and a box of pilot bread. Sommelier's tip: pair with a vintage powdered milk.

Day 4: Get far away and impersonal with wildlife

Here, wildlife-viewing opportunities abound: bears, whales, moose and tourists (especially the baby ones — they're so cute).

For spectacular wildlife viewing, book yourself a once-in-a-lifetime wilderness excursion … OR, just take all those half-eaten packets of smoked salmon currently ripening in your refrigerator and toss them out on the deck.

Day 5: Great Alaska drinking game

No Alaska staycation would be complete without at least one whole day devoted to inebriety — two if it's a weekend.

Commercially, Alaska is home to dozens of wineries, distilleries and craft breweries. But still no Trader Joe's — what gives? Try them all …

And people wonder why alcoholism is such a problem up here.

Try them all by making a game of it: every time you see a Mattress Ranch commercial, take a drink; every time Alaska Airlines sends you another offer to apply for a Visa card even though you already have one (or more), take a drink; every time the Legislature narrowly averts statewide government shutdown, take a drink (better yet, take several).

Day 6: Detox

Day 7: Into the mild

Alaska boasts North America's last true wilderness, and, as such, some of the most stunningly beautiful places your dog will ever take a dump.

On the final day of your great Alaska staycation, get up and get out into nature. Or don't. It's not going anywhere, and neither are you — too much stuff to pack. Plus, even with the new Permanent Fund dividend reduction bill, where else in the Lower 48 will government pay you $1,000 a year simply to occupy space?

Geoff Kirsch is a Juneau-based writer and humorist currently working on an essay collection based upon his long-running column in the Juneau Empire.