DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a strong moral requirement not to lie, which has led me to reflect on the role of full truthfulness in good manners. I often observe people giving false reasons or intentionally omitting pertinent details to politely avoid something.
While I understand the intent is usually to spare someone’s feelings or avoid discomfort, I struggle with how this aligns with the principles of true manners. Even if such responses are socially acceptable as “white lies,” I’m concerned they could be more harmful in the long run.
Could you provide guidance on how to maintain honesty while delivering polite and truthful responses?
GENTLE READER: Honesty is a virtue, and sparing people’s feelings is a virtue. Why do you think you must choose between them?
Yes, you should still turn in a criminal, even if it causes that person hurt feelings. But in ordinary social life, etiquette requires balancing both virtues.
First, you should understand that your negative opinions are not great truths, but -- well, just your opinions. Second, that there is no need to volunteer them if they will cause bad feelings.
So there is no need to say that you either love or hate the white elephant with which someone has saddled you in the guise of a present: “Wherever did you find this? You are dear to think of me.” Or to mention to the host how awful the food was: “It was great to see you -- thank you so much for inviting me.”
Uh-oh: Your honesty alarm just went off because seeing them wasn’t actually great. OK, then just say the second sentence.
But don’t tell Miss Manners that you always follow this policy. Did you speak up at the meeting to say that your boss’s plan is idiotic? Do you announce how bored you are when listening to your spouse’s little daily troubles?
If your honest answers are yes, then you are not practicing honesty as a virtue, but using it as a weapon.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a retired historian who trained a number of excellent graduate students, who now have their own careers. I’m uncertain how to refer to them. If I say “former student,” it might sound as if they didn’t finish their degree (I’m happy to say all my students finished).
I do consider them all to be friends; two of them are especially close. But obviously these are different from other friendships I’ve formed over the years, given their basis. Do you have any suggestions?
GENTLE READER: Try “... who was one of my most brilliant students.” Miss Manners doubts anyone will object, provided you don’t apply it to others within their hearing.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a 62-year-old man who runs four miles a day. I live in Florida, where some days, the temperature exceeds 100 degrees (or feels like it does).
Sometimes when I pass people during a run, they will yell out, “Pick up the pace” or “Faster, faster.”
While I know they are trying to be encouraging or amusing in some kind of ironic way, like they are coaching me, I don’t know how to respond.
I currently ignore these comments, as I find them rude. Any suggestions on what I should say?
GENTLE READER: “And leave you in my dust?”