Dear Wayne and Wanda,
We’re two weeks into 2025 and my girlfriend is already on the verge of her annual meltdown about failing to meet her New Year’s health goals. Usually she at least makes it to February, but it must be the dark and ice that’s got her already falling short of her intended new healthy routines.
This is my third year witnessing this cycle. She spends November and December (while we’re eating and partying our way through the holidays) talking about all the changes she plans to make — eating better, working out more, the usual. There’s always plenty of negative self-talk as she says things like “I’m getting so fat,” and “If I don’t get on track next year I want you to leave me.” Then January arrives and she starts out strong but quickly gets overwhelmed by the rigid routine she’s planned.
I fully support her health goals and I want her to be healthy and happy. I prep cook healthy lunches for us (year-round), prep her protein shakes (year-round, I usually end up drinking both), suggest walks together (that usually works), tell her I’ll meet her at the gym (doesn’t always work), text sweet motivations and appreciations to her a few times a day — like “I’m proud of you” and “Don’t be so hard on yourself — you’ve got this,” But she gets in her own head and before mid-February, she’s not going to the gym much anymore, she’s leaving our lunches and protein shakes in the fridge and going out for lunch with friends, and going big on the weekends.
It doesn’t help that I’ve never had a problem with motivation and discipline. I also think it’s important to balance having a good time (partying when I feel like partying, eating half a pizza or a bunch of ice cream when I feel like it) with maintaining healthy habits (gym or skiing/running/hiking four to five times a week, not drinking when I feel like I’ve been overdoing it or just don’t feel like it, eating healthy or in smaller portions). She is so self-conscious and sensitive, especially around this time of year, and because it’s seemingly easy for me, it bothers her, making it all worse.
Last January, as she was starting to fade, I suggested that she scrap the resolutions and consider making lifestyle changes a slow, steady, yearlong, lifelong thing, and not beat herself up, and that a balanced lifestyle will make her OK with going to the gym and skipping days she isn’t feeling it or has been going every day for a week. And that she doesn’t have to be strict about eating and working out — that’s why she burns out. She said she needs strict resolutions and promises to herself or it won’t work. Note that it still hasn’t worked.
I think I’ve tried it all and it’s tough not to get frustrated now. I was hoping maybe you could suggest some different approaches or advice that I could offer to her, and for us, as we negotiate this that will ultimately help her feel successful and healthy and ultimately happy. Thanks in advance.
Wanda says:
OMG dude, no wonder your girlfriend gets overwhelmed and gives up: She’s living in the shadow of a self-discipline beast! Seriously, I got dizzy reading about your meal prep, protein shakes, intense weekly workout performance, not to mention your barrages of pep-talk text messages. It’s like she’s dating a Peloton coach! I hate to say it, but she will likely feel stunned, stymied and overcome as she attempts to implement healthier habits when she’s living in the shadow of your regimented routine.
I appreciate that you’ve got it all figured out, and that’s not to minimize that. Your self-described lifestyle involves a crazy amount of self-discipline, rigidity, structure and guidelines to strike the balance between health and fun. Congrats! But, facts: Most people are simply not going to put that much effort into it.
For one, it’s more fun to head to the new restaurant with friends than to crack open that bento box of steamed rice and cubed sweet potatoes. For two, it’s easier to skip a workout for a night out with friends than to suck up that FOMO and miss the good times for the treadmill. For most people, fun and easy stuff will win out over work and hard things — at least most of the time. This is why so many resolutions fail. It’s also really, really hard to new establish habits, especially when the new habits feel more restrictive and challenging than status quo.
Sometimes having a friend or partner who’s a role model and coach can enable positive changes. Sometimes, though, it makes those positive changes feel impossible; it amplifies one’s sense of failure when they can’t muster the willpower to jump on treadmill as their partner is cranking out protein shakes after a 20-mile cross-country ski. I’m not saying you’re the problem. Unfortunately, your success is also probably exacerbating her sinking sense of self-worth.
Wayne says:
Yeah bro, clearly the best thing for the long-term health of your girlfriend and this relationship is for you to break up with her so she doesn’t have to be subjected to your positive energy, above-and-beyond support, and your seemingly effortlessly sculpted abs.
Seriously though, I feel like the only problem you’re creating is that you try too hard to help and are doing too much about your girlfriend’s grind. She doesn’t appreciate your acts of service or words of affirmation, and she probably even doesn’t want them, at least around her health goals and resolutions. She also can’t commit to fitness and food routines like you. So, if you’re going to stay in this relationship, you’ve got to let go of trying to help her and any expectations of her being more like you. And stop feeling annoyed or getting extra-extra-helpful when things get difficult for her or start going off the rails. It’s her journey and she wants to walk it alone. If she’s venting, maybe she just wants to vent and for you just to shut up and listen.
Don’t make her lunches or shakes if she doesn’t want them. Don’t give her core-workout plans when she’s leaving to the gym. If she ever craves your snacks or supplement stacks, lifting form advice, or motivational memes, she’ll ask for them or tell you that she misses them. For now, let her do her.
But don’t change who you are. Working hard, playing hard: That’s your thing. If you’re proud that you hiked Mount Marathon in under an hour, be proud about it. That’s awesome and she should be proud of you, too. If you want to slam a pizza and a pint (or two), don’t hide it or feel guilty about it.
This is a three-year relationship. So if you find that this ever creeps beyond the resolutions to where you don’t feel like you can be genuine yourself around your girlfriend, or you aren’t feeling appreciated by her, or you are walking on eggshells around her, then it’s time for a talk about macro, not the micro … and I’m not talking nutrients.
[5 simple food rules to boost your well-being without dieting]
[How to make exercise nonnegotiable in 2025]
[Wayne & Wanda: All my boyfriend does is work, leaving no time for us]
[Dear Annie: I don’t know how to deal with my wife’s burnout]