DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse and I are friends with a couple, one of whom is in a band. This band put on a show at a local restaurant, and we went to show support.
We arrived prior to the start of the show, around 7:30, and enjoyed the music, applauding loudly and singing along to the songs we knew. However, as it got later and later, around 11:30, we became fatigued and really wanted to make our exit.
Since we had no idea how much longer the show would go, I told my husband we should head out when the current song ended.
At the end of the song, we stood up, said goodbye to our friend’s wife and waved to our friend on stage. The band then announced that this would be their last song, but we were exhausted and felt we had already committed to our exit, so we went ahead and left.
In the light of the next day, I felt guilty and wondered if we had made a social blunder by not sticking it out for the last song. Our friends have not mentioned this; I honestly don’t know if we are close enough that they would say something if they were upset.
Was this objectively rude? Should I reach out to our friends and ask them if they were hurt or offended?
GENTLE READER: Why are you looking for trouble? There was no way you could have known that the band was nearing their last song -- and reasonable friends would realize that. After four hours, you put in your time. 11:30 p.m. is quite late enough.
However, if you are dead set on chastising yourself, Miss Manners will allow you to send a short note saying that you enjoyed the concert and were sorry to have to leave before its end. You may add that you look forward to hearing the last song next time. But “... provided that it happens before midnight” should only be implied.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to avoid shaking hands with strangers? I was in a car dealership, and every employee I encountered extended a hand to me, expecting me to shake it.
I know that they were just trying to appear friendly and open. But I also know that this is a good way to transmit diseases and pathogenic microorganisms. Many people do not have good hand-washing practices, especially after using the restroom, and it grosses me out to have to touch their hands.
An infectious disease specialist has even stated that the practice of shaking hands should be abandoned.
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners generally agrees with you, but worries that the social disease of being unwilling to participate in formalities is also dangerous. If you can gracefully finesse another gesture -- waving, or, in less formal situations, a fist bump -- Miss Manners will allow it.
Adding “I’m healthy, but don’t want you to risk it” will perhaps take away some of the sting. If all else fails, carrying hand sanitizer with you and discreetly applying it after handshakes may be a short-term solution.