Dear Annie: I have a difficult and deeply personal situation, and I would really appreciate your advice. My husband of two years left me on April 14, 2023, saying he wanted to build a home for us in California. The problem is, he made this decision without my knowledge or consent, and it feels like he abandoned me.
Since then, I’ve done everything I can to support him, including buying five plane tickets for him to either return to Memphis, Tennessee, or come to get me so we could be together. Each time, he’s failed to follow through. I’ve also sent him over $20,000 during the past year and a half to help with his supposed plans, hoping he was working toward a better future for us.
But despite all of this, he has consistently lied to me. The final straw was Nov. 19, when he promised once again to come home and didn’t. At that moment, I decided I was done providing for him and trying to make this relationship work.
What hurts the most is that I’ve been nothing but loyal to him throughout all of this. Despite his betrayal, I have stayed faithful to him, even when I’ve felt deeply lonely and angry. Now I’m living at his mother’s house because I don’t have the financial resources to secure a place of my own. I feel ashamed of the situation and often lie to my family when they ask about his whereabouts because I’m too embarrassed to tell them the truth.
I feel lower than dirt right now. At times, I find myself wanting revenge for the way he’s treated me, but I always calm myself down, realizing that it wouldn’t fix anything or make me feel better in the long run. Still, I feel so lost and hurt.
How do I move forward from this? How do I heal from the betrayal and rebuild my life when I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom?
-- Deeply Hurt
Dear Deeply Hurt: I’m so sorry for the pain and betrayal you’ve experienced. You’ve given so much of yourself to this relationship, and it’s heartbreaking that your loyalty and support haven’t been reciprocated. Please know that his actions are a reflection of his choices, not your worth. How someone treats you says more about them than it does about you.
Right now, the most important thing is to focus on your own well-being. Let go of any shame; what you’ve endured is not your fault. Seek support from trusted friends or family members to unload some of the hurt you feel.
Living at his mother’s house should be a temporary step, not your final destination. Begin to think about ways to regain your independence, whether through work, education or seeking local resources. It’s also worth reaching out to a therapist or support group to help process your feelings and rebuild your confidence.
I admire your ability to let go of thoughts of revenge; it shows great strength. Instead, channel that energy into healing and rebuilding your life. The best type of revenge is living well. You deserve love, and you’ve already taken a big step by deciding to stop supporting someone who doesn’t value you. With time and small, consistent steps, you’ll find your way forward.