Dear Eric: For about 20 years, my husband and I and our two boys, when they were younger, plus a dog, traveled usually by car to visit my sisters. They never visited us. The drive to their state was 14 hours long and was not fun or cheap, but we did it mostly because of my elderly mother who couldn’t travel (lived with one sister). I have a fear of flying so we had to drive.
After my mother died, both sisters moved to another state together along with their three cats and one dog. They’re still 11 hours away by car. My husband and I have made the trip about six times to visit them in the last three years, but we recently told them that the drive was not as easy as it used to be since we’re getting older.
When we approached them about driving or flying to visit us for a change, they immediately shot down the idea. (“We can’t travel because of the pets!” or “That’s a long drive with pets!”) They refuse to kennel their pets.
Now one sister casually told us that unless we move to their state or drive/fly to visit, we probably won’t see them anymore, but they have an open guest room for us anytime we want to visit. I was stunned and hurt when I heard this ultimatum. I’m trying to see their side of this situation, but all I keep coming up with is that my family and I are way less important to them than their pets.
— Missing Sister
Dear Sister: The best way to see their side is to tell them how you felt when they gave you the ultimatum and ask them to help you understand. Try to put aside the imbalance you feel — all those trips you made with none made in return. Speak from the present — this is what’s going on with you now; how can you all move forward?
What they have to say may not be satisfying and may not allay your hurt, but at the very least it frees you from having to piece together the narrative in your head.
The way they put the ultimatum certainly feels callous. Perhaps that’s just who they are, but resigning themselves to never seeing their sister again suggests that there’s pain behind the decision or a feeling of helplessness. Hopefully your conversation can draw that out, so you have a better understanding all around.
I wonder why one can’t visit while the other minds the pets. I also wonder if they have fears or challenges around travel that are getting in the way. Perhaps you wonder about those things, too. Asking them directly what’s going on and what they’re feeling about you and about family togetherness is the only way to really know.
Dear Eric: Recently my husband and I were invited to a dinner party at a new acquaintance’s home. There were five couples in attendance, and we were all dressed nicely (country club casual).
When we arrived, we were asked to remove our shoes. Neither of us had worn socks and we were very uncomfortable, as were other guests. I say this was very rude, but I have heard mixed opinions about this. Your thoughts, Eric?
— Barefoot
Dear Barefoot: Rude, I’m not so sure. But if the host’s guests were uncomfortable, that indicates a missed opportunity to provide better hospitality. They might have included a sentence in the invite “we’re a shoes-off household; wear fun socks!”
That said, if they’re a shoes-off household, they probably didn’t give your bare feet a second thought.
Dear Eric: When I text friends, they take their time responding. I mean days, if they respond at all.
However, when they text me, they get annoyed if I don’t text back within two hours. They can get annoyed all they want, because I’m going to take as much time as I want to respond. If I respond at all.
And to be totally frank, I don’t care about what happens to the “friendship” because they treat me like I am there for their convenience. Your opinion?
— No Reply
Dear Reply: Sounds like it’s time to nip this in the bud. Or, this being text-related, maybe we’re talking about nipping it in the byte.
Your friendship might thrive better face-to-face, or it could have outgrown its usefulness for all involved. The best bet is to be direct about what you’re feeling and do what you need to feel valued.
You can tell them what you told me: when I text, you rarely respond, but you get annoyed at me when I take my time responding and I feel resentful about that. See what they have to say to that (presuming they respond).
Or you can simply leave the conversation.