Dear Annie: For the past year, I have been in a “relationship” with Alex, who has simultaneously been involved with two or three other women. Despite this and a 15-year age gap, we generally get along well and share many things in common.
Recently, however, I’ve uncovered some deeply troubling truths about him. Alex is an addict, and his behavior reflects this; he lies, steals, cheats and denies the truth when confronted. I’ve tried to cope with this chaos, but it has taken a toll on me. At times, I’ve even stooped to petty acts of revenge in a “tit-for-tat” dynamic, despite knowing it’s not healthy. Honestly, I’ve reached a point where I don’t care anymore.
Here’s my dilemma: While I logically understand what I should do -- walk away -- I’m struggling with the emotional attachment I feel to him. I’ve loved him for so long that it’s hard to reconcile those feelings with the numbness and disillusionment I now experience. How do I navigate this? Is it possible to disentangle love from attachment in a way that allows me to heal and move forward?
I’d deeply appreciate your insight on how to move past this and rebuild my sense of self.
-- Leaving an Addict
Dear Leaving: Thank you for sharing your story. It’s clear you’ve endured a lot and have lots of understandable hurt feelings.
It’s important to recognize that love is meant to uplift and nourish, not leave you feeling numb or drained. While attachment might feel like love, the patterns of dependency in this relationship may be keeping you stuck.
Remember, letting go isn’t about giving up; it’s about making space for the love and peace you deserve.
You might want to check out an Al-Anon meeting near you. They have helped many people whose loved ones are in the middle of their addiction.
Dear Annie: After reading your column about “Feeling Tired and Lonely,” I’d like to offer a suggestion for her to consider before pursuing couples counseling. Encourage her to research narcissistic behaviors, particularly covert narcissism. If she is in a relationship with someone displaying these traits and isn’t aware of the dynamics (as I wasn’t at first), she might feel stuck, endlessly spinning her wheels due to future faking, manipulation and emotional abuse.
It’s important to note that many psychologists and experts advise against couples counseling in these situations, as it can sometimes backfire on the empathetic partner, making the abuse worse. I’ve been through a similar experience, and I know how lonely, isolating and confusing it can feel.
There wasn’t enough detail in her story to say for certain, but these types of relationships often go unnoticed and can last for years. Many people remain trapped, either because they don’t recognize the signs or are too afraid to leave. Sharing this information could empower her to understand her situation better and take steps to protect herself.
-- Been There and Broke Free
Dear Been There: Thank you for your letter. I hope it helps her and all people out there struggling in abusive relationships. I do think that a good counselor would be able to help and that they should stick with couples counseling.