Dear Sahaj: My husband and I come from different cultures and also have quite different personalities. We have navigated this pretty successfully for three decades, but there is an issue that has me at a breaking point.
My husband (like his family and many in his culture of origin) does not like to think about a bad thing possibly happening, as it seems to invite the bad thing into life. He will dismiss the possible risks or say there is no point in taking precautions. For instance, his parents refused to childproof their house. Even asking the grandparents to move a block of knives was interpreted as saying they wanted the children to be hurt, which is insulting. Thankfully our kids survived to adulthood.
I take a different approach and try to anticipate and remove hazards. My husband will say he agrees, but then he will undo the precautions when I’m not looking. For instance, our dog just had surgery and the vet said to set up a small recovery pen to keep her from moving too much. It was supposed to be for two weeks. I talked to my husband, and he agreed we’d only take her out of the pen on a leash. Two days after the surgery, I came home and she was off leash and out of the pen, which was open. He said: “There’s nothing I can do. She wants to come out.”
He’s been like this all our time together - to the extent that he will claim a relative with an end-stage terminal illness is “probably going to get better soon.” He comes from a high-context culture, so even if I say “I know you don’t want the bad thing to happen,” he immediately rewrites it into “she is saying I want the bad thing to happen.”
I’ve had no luck asking him to just tell me if he doesn’t plan to abide by my precautions. I am feeling worn down because knowing precautions have been taken reduces my worry about the chances of a bad outcome. It’s a shock to feel that security removed. I’m starting to see this as an issue of not being able to trust him, and that feels toxic to the marriage. And yet each individual incident is so small. Is there anything you can think of that can help me see this differently?
- Navigating Uncertainty
Navigating Uncertainty: Of course you don’t feel like you can trust your husband. He has consistently acted in ways that contradict what he is saying. These may be “small” instances individually, but as issues build up and go unaddressed, they naturally become bigger.
Downplaying the negative side effects may help your husband and his family avoid distressing feelings. But extreme optimism is just denial, and denial is a defense mechanism that protects your husband from having to experience or learn to manage uncomfortable feelings or thoughts. This is not a cultural issue as much as it’s an emotion regulation issue complicated by cultural nuance or superstition.
When your husband says “there’s nothing I can do,” he’s essentially saying “I’m not at fault.” But this thinking exempts him from having to take responsibility for his choices and how they impact you. Focusing on how you can think of things differently isn’t the answer here - that is just a way to put the onus back on you to deal with this issue. Instead, I would encourage you to have a vulnerable, kind, nonconfrontational conversation with your husband. Sure, he might come from a high-context culture, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to share your own feelings. High-context cultures are less direct and more contextual, but relationships require communication so both parties can feel heard.
Express your feelings using I-statements - such as “I feel scared when …” or “I feel upset when …” Try doing this when there isn’t an imminent issue at hand so you can talk generally about the impact of his choices rather than specifically about something in the moment. This can sound like: “When you agree and then do the opposite, it makes it hard for me to trust your word.” Or: “I know we view some risks differently, but it’s starting to negatively affect me. I’d like to understand how this affects you, and I’d appreciate it if you try to do the same for me.”
If conversations continue to be going in circles, consider couples counseling. After all, being in relationships doesn’t mean there won’t be conflict, but rather it’s about the repair of the conflict. I’d wager that if you struggle to resolve this conflict, there are likely other communication pitfalls within the relationship. You can have compassion for each other’s choices or approaches, but you still need to address how your relationship is suffering because of them.
Finally, while you continue to explore ways to connect with your husband on this, you can spend some time reflecting on your own emotion regulation. In these moments where you feel preoccupied with something bad happening, building skills for managing the anxiety while also being honest with yourself about the why behind certain preparations will be key. In the case of the knives or your dog’s surgery, you are driven by your loved one’s safety. In other cases, though, be honest if you need to take extra precautions or care to feel comfortable. You’ll want to identify the minimum standard for preparation and action so you can continue to seek out a middle ground with your husband.
In relationships, both parties have to be honest about what they are willing - or not - to do to help quell the other’s anxieties or worries. This is what safety looks like, and right now, you are struggling to feel safe in your relationship. Cultural differences or not, you want to focus on what you both share - a love and commitment in your partnership. That should be important enough for you both to take responsibility and accountability in how you affect the other person and hopefully find a new path moving forward.