Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I’ve been seeing “Brad” for a few months. When we first met, one of the things that immediately appealed to me was his work ethic. I was raised by hardworking parents who taught me employment is a commitment, which means making deadlines and not showing up late or fake calling in sick. I saw all these values exemplified in how Brad talked about his dedication to his career. It was refreshing after dating a series of people who were chronically unemployed, or phoned it in at work, or just didn’t really seem to care about their job.
While things with Brad started strong, it was really hard to schedule time together and sometimes he was really hard to reach. He shared he had some side hustles that take up some time. That was an understatement.
Brad does GrubHub and DoorDash after work and on weekends to kill time and make extra cash. He also has a once-a-week evening commitment to cleaning a small local business’s office space. Brad has also bartended to make extra cash and some companies in town routinely call him to backfill at events and parties. He also volunteers time with several local nonprofits. Oh, and he warned me come summer, he has a few lawn maintenance contracts on the Hillside that are “too good to let go.”
Recently Brad mentioned he was going to look into driving for Uber, and I just lost it. Between his actual job and all these side jobs, it has become impossible to spend real time together. I’m lucky if he has a couple free nights a week. He said I wasn’t being fair and that making as much money as possible, as soon in life as possible, is extremely important to him and that wasn’t going to change. I feel like he’s being inflexible and manic. Does this relationship have a chance?
Wanda says:
There’s a bit of a Goldilocks attitude in play here: You don’t want a partner who works too little, or too much, but someone who has it just right. I’m guessing “right” in this case is the way you do it: You’re committed to a normal 9-to-5 wage-earning 401(k)-supporting job, and the rest of your hours are otherwise reserved for recreating and general adulting. It’s understandable that you’re excited about this new relationship and want Brad to slow down and enjoy it, too. That’s probably not going to happen.
The internet, apps and our post-pandemic world have produced boundless opportunities for people to earn money online, remotely, and behind the steering wheel. Gig apps like GrubHub and DoorDash and e-commerce sites like Etsy and eBay mean people can pretty much work anytime, anywhere, as much or as little as they want. The flexibility and extra earnings are appealing to people who are otherwise employed but can use the extra dollars to defray crazy-high costs of living, pay down debt or just have some extra bucks to spend.
Brad is cash-motivated and there’s a dollar to be made around every corner. Your pleadings are unlikely to change his routine, and it’s unfair to criticize or vilify his earnings strategy because it is inconvenient for you. You can literally buckle up and join him on some of his DoorDash drives for some quality time, or head back into the dating pool.
Wayne says:
Hmm … Spend two hours getting paid, feeling independent, making people happy by delivering their favorite food to them, and driving around listening to podcasts … Or spend two hours on a date with someone you barely know but questions your decision-making and time management, and says that your vision of building a stable financial future is less important than spending time with them right now. For Brad, that math isn’t mathing with you.
You’re just a few months into dating someone and you’re already knocking the hustle that attracted you to him and demanding that he change his lifestyle, refocus his ambitions and dim the fire that drives him. Honestly, you are a distraction that Brad doesn’t need right now, and the more you press him on how he spends his free time, the more he’ll realize that.
Heck, you’re still in the getting-to-know-you phase of dating, which means hanging out a couple nights a week is pretty standard. But if you think it’s time to lay out some explicit partner expectations and boundaries, good for you for being upfront, I guess.
But what if you stopped assuming you are only going to get scraps of Brad and using just a little patience and see how Brad manages his calendar, and how he prioritizes time and communication with you? I bet that if he finds the ROI with you is greater than a few quick side hustle shifts, he’ll adjust his days and nights accordingly.
[Wayne & Wanda: My boyfriend’s busy schedule and accommodating personality leave little time for us]
[Wayne & Wanda: My boyfriend is great to me, but awful to service-industry workers]
[Wayne & Wanda: My fiance’s brother keeps invading our space]