Dear Sahaj: How do I maintain a businesslike, distant relationship with my in-laws?
My in-laws want to build a close relationship with me - always wanting to hang out, text or video chat, have dinner, etc. But I’m not interested.
My mother-in-law hurt me and my family multiple times before and during the wedding planning. She got upset that we would consider living near my parents and “leaving them,” said my nephew shouldn’t have been at the wedding because he was a baby, and compared everything we did with my side of the family to theirs (ex: If we did something from my culture, she would ask if we are doing the same number from theirs - even though they never cared before). My father-in-law supports everything she says and does.
She knows all of this and hasn’t apologized for anything but just wants to “move on.” I have been keeping the relationship polite and distant at this point (setting boundaries with my husband on when to see them, not engaging in texts or calls), but it’s frustrating seeing this and feeling like I’m being made out to be the bad daughter-in-law. Is there anything else I can do?
- Distance
Distance: It sounds as if you’re doing what you can to be polite and kind without overextending yourself in a relationship that doesn’t feel good. With that said, you wouldn’t have written in if you didn’t feel unsettled by the way things are.
His parents may “always” want to talk or hang out because they are reacting to your distance. It’s a cycle. You step back, they step forward. You may decide that you are okay with this, or you may decide to take more control over when and how long you see and talk to them so the ball is in your court.
You don’t have to be amenable to their every request, or share everything with them, to simply have a relationship with them. This can look like just saying hi when your husband talks to them once a week on the phone but then excusing yourself after five minutes so he can finish the conversation alone. Or maybe it’s scheduling a dinner every now and then at your convenience. Maybe it’s even engaging in an activity you all like once every few months (A book club? A game night?). When you feel in control of when, where and how long you see them, it can feel less pressuring, and they won’t be able to complain that they never see or hear from you.
If even these small concessions don’t feel possible for you, it may be time to focus on how to get past the hurt you’re still holding on to. You say your mother-in-law knows what she did but hasn’t apologized. I wonder if she really knows how her words and behaviors have affected you? Did you or your husband explicitly tell her that she has hurt you? Let’s say she does apologize tomorrow. Would that really make everything better? If yes, then it may be worth finding a way to express your feelings vulnerably and honestly. If not, you want to be honest about what else is coming up for you. It’s possible that you may be experiencing grief for not having the type of relationship with your in-laws you had always imagined.
Based on examples you’ve given, it seems as if your mother-in-law is expressive and unfiltered. This doesn’t mean she shouldn’t take responsibility for how her words affect you, but it may also mean that she’s not personally attacking you and is like this with everyone. If this is true, I wonder if there’s a way to reframe her behavior and words with generosity. For instance, when she says you’re “leaving them,” is it possible she is scared and sad you’d be far away? Or, when she keeps track of whose culture you’re doing things from, I wonder whether she was overwhelmed by the changes and felt left out? Again, this doesn’t mean your feelings should be dismissed, but it may help lessen the blow. Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt can help create a more flexible story of what your relationship with her (and her husband) can look like.
If you ultimately decide you need to keep a polite distance from your in-laws to be happy, then you have to release yourself from how they will feel about that - and the narrative they create because of it. If you can accept that consequence, you can find peace for yourself instead of hoping they give it to you.
Lastly, continue to have open and honest conversations with your husband about how this may be affecting each of you separately - and the relationship. You may decide to approach this from a place of love for him and build tolerance for what is merely unpleasant while protecting yourself from what is genuinely hurtful. Or he may need to step up even more to combat the narrative that you’re a “bad daughter-in-law.” Either way, the two of you will want to continue to be on the same page. Good luck!