DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was brought up to always be polite to others, but as I reach 50, it seems that society cares less about this.
Sometimes even ordering a coffee is fraught with potential misunderstanding. Common decency is misinterpreted as “hitting on” someone, when all I’m doing is trying to be nice. Sometimes I feel like just being abrupt, as my politeness gets rejected so frequently. I believe other men experience this, too.
GENTLE READER: Before Miss Manners admonishes the rest of the impolite world and rushes to your aid, she wants to check on a few key things:
Does your “trying to be nice” include calling servers “honey” or “sweetie”? Looking anywhere other than their eyes when ordering? Making comments on their physical appearance in any way?
Did you answer “no,” “no” and “definitely not!”? Great.
The world can indeed be rude, but you must soldier on being polite anyway. That is the only way to make it better.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was devastated to learn yesterday that my neighbors’ young adult son passed away.
I do not know these neighbors well. Our kids are the same ages, but attended different schools and rarely played together. I watched this young man grow up, but mostly through my window.
I happened to be up late last night and saw the parents returning from the hospital. I thought about approaching them and asking if they would like to come to my house for some space before going home to their younger kids, but I decided that would most likely be intrusive.
Other than sending a sympathy card, what should I do that would be a kindness to them, rather than drawing attention to myself?
GENTLE READER: Gently ask if they need help with the children. Assure them that they, and the whole family, are welcome at your house any time.
Miss Manners is not certain that they will accept, but it is a kind gesture, and something they may well appreciate and find useful in the future.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am seeking a polite way to rein in a friend who is overly generous.
I am in a community of friends that gathers frequently in the summers for potluck dinners by a local lake. For years, the text chain has looked like: “Great, I’ll bring a salad!” “Will be there. I have some burgers I can bring.” “OK! I’ll bring brownies.” It’s low-key and fun.
Several times, one friend has announced that she just made, say, 10 extra short ribs or two extra pots of chili -- and a big salad, and a side dish. And she’ll just bring it all.
While this is certainly fantastic once or twice, as a repeated practice, I feel it changes the communal approach we’ve had by design. What do you advise?
GENTLE READER: “Your feasts are more than generous, but I think that others would like to contribute. If you don’t mind just bringing one dish, instead of so many, there will be less burden on any one of us. Plus, we get to try one another’s cooking.”
Which, now that Miss Manners thinks about it, may be the reason why this friend took over the meals in the first place.