Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I met my first serious girlfriend in college, and we were together for almost three years before breaking up. I took a little break, then dated around for a couple years. I’m 28 now and in a pretty new serious relationship with “Cathy.” Cathy is great. She is very mature and down-to-earth — different from the women I was casually dating before. I feel very hopeful about our future together.
The only problem is Cathy’s ex. We’ll call him “Gilbert.” Gilbert and Cathy dated for almost five years. They broke up less than a year ago. I was already a little worried when she told me about Gilbert as I wondered whether she was ready for a relationship already. She assured me she is, that she’s a “relationship girl” and doesn’t like dating.
She also warned me that she and Gilbert remain close. They text frequently and probably see each other once a week for after-work beers or a lunch. When she asked if I was OK with this, I said yes, because honestly it was early on and I wanted to be cool about it and I didn’t want to mess things up. I also frankly thought as we got more serious, she’d naturally see Gilbert less. That hasn’t happened.
Cathy has assured me she and Gilbert are just friends and in fact spent the last year of their relationship solidly in the friend zone with no intimacy. He was one of the first people she met when she moved to Alaska so she said he and his friends remain important to her and she doesn’t want to lose that support system. But it feels to me like she’s clinging to her old life and I don’t think this level of interaction is good for our relationship and our future. Am I overreacting, or being jealous? Or do I have a case here?
Wanda says:
There are so many ways to approach the aftermath of a breakup. There’s the slash-and-burn, delete-and-block method of completely cutting ties and that can be effective, especially for establishing hard boundaries and eliminating opportunities for unfortunate late-night booty calls or overly emotional rage texting.
But when a breakup is amicable, and even ends on a friendly note, it’s less clear on how to handle it. After all, this is someone with whom you shared laughs and vacations and responsibilities and tribulations; someone who has met your family and friends and been at your side for good times and bad; and likely someone whose seen your good and bad sides as well. It’s hard to completely release that into the ether when a fondness lingers. A lot of people take pride in broadcasting their ability to remain friends with exes, as though it demonstrates some degree of maturity and emotional control.
In reality, every friendship takes up space in our lives, whether it’s an old flame or a co-worker or a childhood bestie. Romantic relationships take up space too. And when we commit to someone, that should involve some reexamination of time and priorities and balance to ensure we’re investing the right amount of energy into our partner, and not engaging in any behavior that’s hurtful or harmful. Your patience and tolerance for Cathy and Gilbert’s friendship is admirable, and your hesitancy and unease is also understandable. Perhaps there’s a compromise to propose where Cathy can maintain a connection to Gilbert but can reasonably peel back on the amount of time she’s spending with him, which in my opinion sounds excessive if she’s trying to build a new relationship with you.
Wayne says:
Well, you did tell her it was totally cool to maintain this friendship/relationship with her ex because you are such a Chill Guy … But you aren’t that chill and you aren’t that cool with this, are you? And after all this time of dating around and figuring out what you want out of a relationship and a partner, you undermine yourself and let someone brand-new in your life blow up your boundaries. You know they’re talking about you and your relationship, right? You know the first person she’s running to when you two have your first big fight, right?
This isn’t normal, and you aren’t comfortable with it. Your gut is screaming at you, and you’re writing to us. You aren’t overreacting and you don’t sound insecure; you sound pretty secure in yourself, grounded and reasonable, in fact. So here’s a great opportunity to be straightforward and honest with a romantic partner who you are investing in and want a future with.
You aren’t demanding that she cuts ties with him or her friends. You are asking her to shift her energy and partner priorities from drinking with him weekly and texting with him daily to growing this relationship with you. Ideally, she proves to be the mature, relationship-focused person she claims she is and appreciates your perspective. But if she can’t handle that, then she isn’t really ready to move on to serious dating and she definitely isn’t right for you and where you’re at. And then you move on with your life on your terms, a bit heartbroken, sure, but wiser.