Parenting Q&A: My father-in-law calls my 1-year-old ‘fatty’ and has weigh-ins for the cousins

Dear Meghan: My father-in-law has a terrible nickname for my 1-year-old daughter. The nickname includes the word “fatty,” and it’s awful. None of the family sees this as problematic but rather all in good fun. Related to this, he has weigh-ins for all the kids, and the vibe is generally judgmental and negative.

My partner doesn’t feel this but, when it’s pointed out, he sees the problem. But I don’t think he understands how damaging this nickname is for the baby and for all the cousins, too. We need to make a boundary here: If my father-in-law uses that nickname, we leave. Simple. But my partner shuts down when I bring this up.

Do you have any recommendations on how to proceed or any studies I can point him to? He is a facts-first type of person, but the family is totally centered around his father.

- Aghast

Aghast: I am not sure if your father-in-law’s “weigh-ins” are literal, or if he is simply making comments. If he is actually placing children on scales to check their weight, that is a “run, don’t walk” red flag for me, as a parent and a coach. Teetering right into abuse, that level of control and humiliation borders on sadistic, and I wouldn’t stand for it for anyone, let alone children.

Whether these “weigh-ins” are literal, they are certainly an extension of your father-in-law’s mean name-calling. You don’t have to look far to find a family where nicknames, from casually cruel to blandly funny, are bandied about with little attention to how they make people feel. The loudest and meanest person in the family tends to set the tone for this name-calling, making it hard for others to place healthy and basic boundaries.

I have empathy for your partner; when you grow up with name-calling - your partner was probably called names, too - it is typical to not only see it as normal but to actually resist doing anything about it. Humans will keep the status quo even when it goes against their best interests because it feels comfortable, and it sounds like your partner is in this predicament.

However, that doesn’t make it any less upsetting to witness your father-in-law make these comments about all the children, least of all your own child. And while I understand your desire to defend your values and pick up and leave the house (and we will keep that option on the table), I invite you to have another conversation with your partner to find a middle way. Ideally, your partner would sit down with his dad and have a discussion before you go to the house, and your father-in-law will stop this behavior.

If your partner isn’t willing to have this conversation, then the two of you need to have a sit-down about your values and what you are willing to do (or not) when it comes to boundaries. You don’t have to apply urgency to this current situation; no one is in grave physical danger (hopefully). Make a stopgap plan for the next visit (when the comments begin, you scoop the baby up and fetch something from another room), and be ready to change the direction of conversation when the verbal shots are fired at the other kids. Perfect? No, but family relationships can be fraught, so let’s proceed slowly.

I recommend picking up Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships” and reading it with your partner. By taking the concepts of family dysfunction and boundaries slowly, you can both appreciate where each person is coming from and create plans together for moving forward. And by reading the book together, your partner will begin to access many of the studies and data around childhood wounds, trauma and cycles (and what can be broken!).

There is a simple yet important quote from Tawwab I think of often: “Remember: You cannot change people. However, you can ask that they honor your requests. And if they do not, you have choices.” After discussing values, reading books and making your best attempt at meeting your partner in the middle, you may have to make some hard choices. You can calmly call the father-in-law, let him know that you cannot abide by the name-calling and ask that it please stop; if it doesn’t, you will leave with the baby. This will be upsetting and off-putting and all the things, but if you continue to transgress your own values and boundaries, your resentment and anger will be worse. And for what? To please a bully?

Ultimately, you are only in charge of yourself. I don’t know how damaging the father-in-law’s words are, but I can assure you that when a child has a close attachment to their primary caregivers, the child can stay emotionally safe from the worst effects of others’ words. This is not to say that you should accept the name-calling and that it won’t hurt your child’s relationship with her grandfather. This is to say that people will hurt your child, and you can have some faith in the protection that comes with a good connection.