DEAR MISS MANNERS: About 25 years ago, I was in a “moms of preschoolers” group. I knew some women better than others, but I considered all of them part of my larger friend group.
As our kids grew up, we stayed somewhat in touch, forming smaller groups, but those broke up during the pandemic. I haven’t seen most of these women since 2020.
One of the women passed away. She was not a close friend, so I was unaware she’d been sick for two years, but I remembered her fondly and was saddened by her death. I planned to go to the funeral. I also replied to a group email from one of her close friends, asking the sender about bringing food.
In response, I got a lecture about how this woman’s husband (always a thorny guy) had said that only two people from this moms’ group visited his wife when she was sick, so obviously no one cared.
I would have cared, had I known she was sick. After hearing this, I felt awkward and didn’t go to the funeral.
Did I do the right thing? When people send out group emails, I assume it’s because they want a big outpouring from a large group of people, not all of whom are going to be the deceased’s closest friends. Is it ghoulish to attend the funeral of someone who was only a peripheral sort of friend?
GENTLE READER: Ghouls are beings who like graveyards; neither your intent in going, nor your behavior, had you done so, would have supported such an accusation.
So why did you not? If it was because you feared that the husband’s statement -- and his past behavior -- meant he would make a scene if you did, then it was reasonable not to go.
But this would be extreme behavior on his part. His statement sounds instead, to Miss Manners, like the bitter, unthinking comment of a new widower -- made in grief and best overlooked.
It would have been better to go, and show him he was wrong. But you can still write a condolence letter.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I visited a family for their child’s birthday party. It was my first time at their home, and I wanted to remain polite.
I drive an electric car and to my delight, their home had two charging ports prominently visible and unoccupied. Would I have offended if I had plugged my vehicle in? Asking permission from an already-busy hostess seemed intrusive.
I know that in a reverse situation, I would have been more than happy to have someone charge at my home. A four-hour charge, even at high electricity prices, would work out to around $10 -- a cost I would be happy to roll into the usual party expenses. May I help myself?
GENTLE READER: That the charging station was prominently visible makes it a convenience for the homeowner and a temptation for you -- not an invitation. The cost is beside the point.
The polite thing to do when visiting another’s home -- for the first time, or the 50th -- is to ask permission. Miss Manners is confident you can find a quiet moment to do so, if a top-off is necessary.