DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is intelligent, educated, well-spoken and has a responsible job. He is also openly racist, misogynistic and homophobic -- all for religious reasons, of course.
To his credit, he never brings these subjects up, but if they do come up, he’s not at all bashful about articulating his bigoted views. His response to criticism is that he’s just as entitled to his opinions as liberals are to theirs, and he’s just as entitled to express his opinions as liberals are to express theirs. He says that tolerance includes tolerance for all viewpoints, including his.
That does not sound quite right to me, but I can’t exactly put my finger on what’s wrong with it. He is otherwise a charming and enjoyable person to be around. At this point, the rest of the family just deals with it by avoiding these subjects.
What do you think we should do?
GENTLE READER: Keep avoiding those subjects.
Of course it is tempting to poke the bear, even though you know how the bear will react. Your brother is presumably a grown-up, entrenched in his prejudices, and arguing is less likely to reform him than to spoil family gatherings.
Miss Manners can, however, offer you some comfort.
First, you are already making your point effectively by refusing to engage with him when he speaks like that.
And second, you are right that hate speech does not deserve the same tolerance as the wide divergence of well-meant opinions.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have the pleasure of hosting an annual holiday dinner for our family, and we believe that almost everyone finds the event enjoyable. A few years ago, we began inviting a group of my relatives. They had previously celebrated with others, but deaths sadly ended those traditions.
During our gathering, these relatives sit down together before dinner and do not move about or mingle until it is time to go. They only interact with others as a group, and only speak with the individuals opposite them during dinner.
We’ve begun to think we’ve failed to make the event sufficiently welcoming.
My husband believes that this year, we should promote mingling by using place cards at the dinner table to “break up the cabal” (as he puts it), but I wonder if that will incite general revolt and make the event even more alienating. What should we do?
GENTLE READER: Start even earlier to break up the cabal.
One of a host’s jobs is to ensure that people mix. Miss Manners acknowledges that grown-ups who know one another ought to do that without prompting, but apparently not in this case.
So take Aunt Jennie’s arm by gentle force and steer her over to Cousin Jason, saying, “You are both avid gardeners, and both Blue Sox fans, right?”
Leaving them together, you scoot over to Grandniece Lilia, saying, “Would you explain friendship bracelets to Uncle Horace? His granddaughter has dozens, but he doesn’t understand what it’s about.”
By dinnertime, they will be too engrossed to protest being artfully scattered around the table.