Dear Eric: We live on a lake and love hosting our great-nieces and nephews on school breaks and the entire family on vacations. My husband and I have no children. Our niece’s families are dear to us.
Our 11-year-old great-nephew has been gaming now for about a year. When he comes to visit, instead of reading, playing cards or board games with us, like in the past, he wants to disappear with his video games.
We feel vacated. How do we navigate this with his parents who think his being on a video gaming team at school is awesome and I think it is a bad omen? What is a fair place of compromise and balance?
– Game Off
Dear Game Off: Let his parents parent their child. The other night I re-watched the movie “Network” from 1977 (stay with me here; it relates). In it, a character in his 60s dismisses a character played by a young Faye Dunaway by saying “she’s the television generation. She learned life from Bugs Bunny. The only reality she knows is what comes to her over her TV set.”
Every generation has anxieties about the ways that technology is changing social interactions or altering the minds of the generations below. While some of those concerns are valid, those of Faye Dunaway’s generation (now in their 70s and 80s) would argue that they’ve managed to stay quite well-rounded, despite (and often with the aid of) TV.
In moderation, video games have been shown to improve a child’s cognitive function and working memory. While your great-nephew’s gaming might not be your choice, it’s important that you not seek to undermine the research and thinking that his parents have done about it.
What you’re really yearning for is a sense of togetherness as a family, so try talking to your niece and her spouse about group activities you can plan to meet your great-nephew where he is. And don’t be afraid to pick up a controller and ask him to show you the ropes.
Dear Eric: I eat at a local restaurant a couple times a week and tend to get one of three meals. This one waitress asks me what I want to eat, but then interrupts me to make guesses or tell me my choice. I just put my head down and nod yes or no to the guesses. It’s frustrating, but not life-threatening.
She enjoys it. I hate it.
However, if I were to say something, it would force her to make the choice of being herself, doing something she likes doing, or appeasing me so I can order the way I want to order. I don’t know if this is a big enough problem to have a “high road.” The answer will not change my life. She can easily change, and I can easily suffer. The question is who gets to be themselves?
– Speaking Up
Dear Speaking Up: I worked in the service industry for more than a decade. I loved it. I loved seeing regulars, meeting new people and carrying a lot of beverages in my hands at one time. The whole bit. I also loved knowing what people wanted, but I would always ask and confirm. That’s part of the job. She may think you’re a regular who likes to be known in this way. So, informing her that that’s not the case won’t be keeping her from being herself. It will be helping her to do her job better.
You may not have the kind of temperament that easily or comfortably course-corrects in social situations. That’s just fine. But know you won’t be causing her suffering by saying something like “I’ve already decided on my meal. Let’s skip the guessing today and I’ll just tell you.” This also clears the path for the two of you to talk about something else, if you want. Ideally, it’s a conversation that you’ll both enjoy.
Dear Eric: I’m not sure if the letter from “Invisible Dad” about his wife buying trinkets for their adult kids and having more close conversations with them is related to my better half and myself.
I think it could be but I can’t be sure so don’t want to ask him. I never really thought about it all the time, but assumed kids knew that gifts were from both of us.
If this question does relate to us, and even if it doesn’t, I will be mindful of what I haven’t been mindful of. My heart is melting if he does really care that much about the kids. Thank you for listening.
– Daily Reader
Dear Reader: Thanks for your thoughtful note and your openness. Please also reconsider talking to your husband about the ways you interact with your kids. It could be really healing and productive.