Dear Sahaj: I have an ongoing conflict with my in-laws. I am a white, American-born woman and my husband is a first-generation Korean immigrant. We have been married over a decade and have a wonderful family life. We live life basically on our own, as my parents live across the country and his live in Korea.
The problem arises when his parents visit with very little notice and stay for extended periods (think two to three months) due to the difficulty of travel. They typically stay in our home, so they can be close to their grandkids. They try to be considerate houseguests, but I struggle because their staying disrupts our quiet lives and routines. Their actions contradict our parenting. Their comings and goings are highly dependent on us, and we are expected to accommodate them regardless of what else we had planned. There are also unspoken expectations that I sometimes unknowingly don’t meet, which then brings up bad feelings. All of this is complicated by the fact that we do not share enough common language to hash it out without my husband as a go-between, which is not a position I want to put him in.
Initially, I tried to be accommodating because I felt that was expected, but now, I feel like I’m being disrespected. I understand that in their culture the older generation warrants respect and compliance from the younger. But I feel as if their behavior demonstrates an expectation that I respect their culture, while they show no effort to respect mine. Add to that the feeling of personal boundaries being violated and I am at my wit’s end.
I hate this, and I hate that my husband always feels caught in the middle. How do I deal with this? What am I supposed to do as a person who wants to respect them but also feels their behavior is inconsiderate toward me and our family?
- Less-than-dutiful daughter-in-law
LTDDIL: Your resentment is a sign that boundaries need to be put in place. Boundaries don’t have to be all or nothing, but clearly the way things are going is not working for you.
In fact, there seem to be many different things weighing on you about your in-laws’ visits. If you had to specify, which issues feel the most pressing? Separate these issues between what has always been cultural differences and what is specifically frustrating regarding their visits. This will help you focus on what is most important to you and interrogate what you can work with and let go of. You want to zero in on specific behaviors and dynamics rather than sweeping everything under a “different culture” rug.
Then you can bring what you’ve parsed out to your husband. It is his responsibility (language barrier or not) to serve as a buffer between you and his parents (in the same way it would be yours with your parents). It sounds like he is experiencing a tension in his roles as son and husband. If he “chooses” you, he feels like a bad son. If he takes his parents’ side, he feels like a bad husband. Unfortunately, this is something he has to explore and make decisions about for himself instead of feeling pulled by those around him. This may mean confronting fears and norms that he has yet to challenge, and you may want to nudge him to reflect on this.
Differing cultural or familial norms in a relationship can be complicated, but it requires open communication, active listening, and ensuring that you and your husband are a team dealing with these issues together - not against each other. You ultimately want to decide: What is he willing to do or tolerate to ease your distress during these visits? What are you willing to do or tolerate to ease your husband’s distress from this situation? If having these conversations together proves to be too difficult, couples counseling may be a good next step.
Essentially, you and your husband want to be proactive, not reactive, about his parents’ visits. You say they “typically” stay in your home, which makes me wonder if there’s a compromise in how long they stay with you when they’re in town. It’s okay if you need to reevaluate the months-long visits. How can your husband communicate this or that you need advance notice? How are you taking care of yourself during these visits? What are things you can both do beforehand, or plan for after, that help you ground back into your own peace? How can you plan for taking turns with them so you each get personal time during the visit as well? Tag teaming can help you feel less alone and more supported during the visits.
Emotionally, are these “bad feelings” you experience from their visits because your in-laws do or say things that are hurtful, or is it because of a hyperawareness of cultural differences that causes you not to feel good enough? There’s a difference between your in-law berating you for not doing something that’s cultural and you being acutely aware that your cultures clash in micro (and macro) ways even if no one is saying anything. You want to be honest with yourself about what is slightly annoying and different versus what is feeling hurtful and disrespectful to you.
Boundaries are not about keeping your in-laws out but rather finding ways to sustain the relationship while protecting your wellness. The key here is to find common ground. What parts of their visits feel enjoyable? This may be focusing visits on your kids, or reflecting on which Korean traditions you can honor with your in-laws. Exploring these can help you feel a sense of agency in what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Even after doing all of the above, there is a chance that your in-laws won’t change. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make changes with your husband to ensure future visits feel more tolerable for you both.