Dear Annie: I’m a 47-year-old woman, and I’ve been with my boyfriend, “Greg,” for almost six years. I’m really happy with him, and I am at the point where I really can’t imagine being with anyone else. There’s just one thing: He has not proposed, and I don’t know if he ever will.
It’s gotten to the point where I feel almost desperate for him to propose, but I don’t want to ruin what we have by pushing him away. I also don’t want to waste any more years in a relationship that doesn’t have a future.
I brought it up once with him, and he sort of brushed it off, saying, “One day, when the time is right.” But I’m starting to feel like “one day” might never come? He was married once before and had a messy divorce, and I noticed he always does seem a little bitter about the whole concept. Whenever someone we know gets engaged, he’ll make a comment like, “Let’s see how long that lasts.”
Recently, several friends and family members have asked when we’re getting married, and it’s so embarrassing to me that I don’t have an answer. One friend advised me to give him an ultimatum, but I’m too scared it’ll backfire. I love him and don’t want to lose him, and I know he loves me, too.
How can I bring up marriage in a way that doesn’t feel like I’m pressuring him but lets him know how important this is to me? Am I wrong for wanting this commitment, or should I just be happy to be in this good relationship?
-- Waiting and Wondering
Dear Waiting and Wondering: For some people, marriage is the ultimate symbol of love and commitment. Others could take it or leave it. Still others are fundamentally opposed to it, arguing they don’t need paperwork to prove their love.
The only way to figure out Greg’s stance is to talk to him directly. It sounds like he is holding onto some bitterness and fear from his first marriage, which can be worked through with communication and the help of a good therapist.
If marriage is a nonnegotiable for you, tell Greg sooner rather than later. You don’t want to stay with somebody who can’t ultimately give you what you want.
Dear Annie: I have a recommendation for your older readers who are considering getting married: I strongly suggest they talk to a financial adviser about the monetary perils of marriage.
Married people are also liable for each other’s debts (think medical expenses). Nothing like suddenly being widowed and facing crushing medical bills. Long-term care also taps into both people’s assets if married. I know two couples who got divorced because of this.
Losing even a few hundred dollars a month could make a world of difference in their standard of living. By all means, have a commitment ceremony, but senior citizens should be mindful of the financial hazards of becoming legally married. It could threaten their well-being.
-- Practical
Dear Practical: Thank you for offering your perspective. All couples, regardless of age, should have a conversation about finances before deciding to get married. The more money is at stake, the more need for professional advice.