Dear Annie: I’d love your perspective on an issue I’m having with my adult daughter, who lives in another state. She visits every Christmas for several days but refuses to stay overnight at my home. She claims my guest room is too cluttered and noisy, or she offers other excuses for not staying. Instead, she rents an Airbnb for part of her stay and spends the other nights at her dad’s house or with friends.
I’ve expressed to her how hurtful this is to me; it feels insulting and makes me feel unimportant. Her response is that she doesn’t intend to hurt me, but she feels she should be able to stay wherever she prefers. What truly stings is that she doesn’t seem to care about how her choice affects me, focusing only on her own comfort. She seems more self-centered than ever, and I’m struggling with this.
What are your thoughts on how I should handle this situation?
-- Hurt by Adult Daughter
Dear Hurt: Instead of labeling her as self-centered, change the narrative to welcome the fact that she is being upfront and honest with you. She doesn’t like clutter and lots of noise. What if you suggested to her that you declutter the guest room together and bought a noise machine of some sort so she could block out the noise? Ask her what her favorite sheets and pillows are to make her feel welcome and cozy. My guess is she feels an underlying sense of judgment and criticism -- you are judging her, and she is judging you -- so try and just look at each other with love and compassion.
Dear Annie: Favoritism soured my childhood, with my mother showing clear preference for my siblings, while I was often left feeling invisible and unworthy. When I tried to address it, she would deny any favoritism, brushing off my feelings as if they didn’t matter. This denial only deepened the hurt, and over the years, I began to question my own perceptions. The constant yearning for her approval shaped much of my life, dictating my choices and priorities.
When my father passed away, I found myself at a crossroads. I walked away from my mother without planning to, an action that many saw as heartless -- and it was something I have sort of regretted over time.
But at the same time, seven years later -- if I am being totally honest -- I don’t feel even a twinge of regret. For the first time, I acted in my own interest instead of bending to please her, and I realize now that her approval was something I was never going to receive. I freed myself from that cycle, and I haven’t looked back.
She was well cared for and in good hands, and I wouldn’t have left if she were in need. But I couldn’t keep sacrificing myself to earn a validation that would never come. It took me decades to recognize the importance of my own well-being.
Why do so many people struggle to put themselves first?
-- Was Never Going to Be Good Enough
Dear Never Going to Be Good Enough: It sounds like you did what was best for you. Choosing to distance yourself from your mother was a necessary step in your journey, but remember, distancing alone doesn’t always lead to true healing. Truly putting yourself first often means doing the inner work -- examining the hurt your mom caused you and addressing those feelings of unworthiness.
Whether your mom is in your life or not, those voices telling you that you’re not good enough can linger. Real freedom comes when you can accept your mother for who she was, with all her limitations, and learn to re-parent yourself, nurturing your younger self with feelings of worthiness and belonging. It sounds like you’re on the right path by recognizing her limitations and moving forward.
Keep up the good work; you’re closer to that freedom than you might realize.