Wayne and Wanda: My girlfriend is obsessed with the holidays and I can’t keep up

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I’m in my mid-20s, just starting a second job and slowly advancing in my career, and I’m dating a woman who is obsessed with the holidays. We’ve only been together about nine months, so this is my first time experiencing the holidays with her, and I’m already overwhelmed.

She had her holiday lights and tree up a few days after Halloween, has long gift lists for friends and family, and has planned out every single weekend (and even some weeknights) with holiday parties and activities from Thanksgiving through New Year’s. I’m not even exaggerating. She’s already talking about the suit I’ll need for her company’s formal holiday party. She expects me to come to her family’s Christmas dinner and New Year’s party, in addition to us spending Christmas morning with my family.

I don’t want to let her down but I’m stressed. I’ve got the usual expenses and college loan debt, and I’m just barely covering my rent and bills. The holidays I grew up with were low-key — family, food and football, and we exchanged small but thoughtful gifts.

And I’m really worried she’ll be disappointed that I can’t shower her with gifts. And I can’t keep up with her level of holiday celebration. I frankly don’t even want to try — it sounds exhausting, not fun. I feel like setting boundaries and taking some nights off from the plans will make it seem like I’m not committed, which I totally am.

How can I keep her happy and excited without completely overextending myself financially or socially? I want to be part of her world and make this a great holiday season, but I’m really struggling to see how to do that.

Wanda says:

Your girl is clearly head over heels for the holidays, which is sweet, wholesome and heartwarming. She’s also firing at a level that could overwhelm your fledgling relationship, and you need to act now to manage expectations before you break the bank — or yourself! Don’t wait until Thanksgiving, or until you’ve drank your 20th cup of eggnog or gone on your 15th holiday lights-viewing drive or watched “It’s a Wonderful Life” for the 10th time. The time is now!

It probably hasn’t even occurred to her that this wouldn’t all sound super wonderful to you. This time of year is clearly magical for her, with its whimsical décor, thematic entertainment, goodwill and merriment, and traditions for days. No doubt, she looks forward to it with anticipation and happiness for weeks and even months leading in. And hey, that’s her prerogative, just as it’s yours to crave a calmer season of slow Sunday football mornings and maybe a rewatch of “Elf.” There are no rules for how to do the holiday season right.

But there are some basic rules for doing relationships right, and that begins with communication and compromise. You’re understandably worried about her reaction to your feelings because this is a new relationship and you’re still feeling each other out. No time like the present to practice having these challenging conversations and learning to navigate your differences. Be specific with your requests: You need a few weekends that are more normal, less festive; perhaps some downtime with just her, sans suits and Santas; and you might need to get creative in carving out some “couple space” away from the families. If you’re thoughtful, articulate and precise, she should meet you in the middle.

Wayne says:

Christmas tree up before the Halloween candy is gone? Bro, you need to start prepping for damage control, not compromise … unless you can get really creative. Attempts at communication and compromise will go over like coal in this festive fanatic’s stocking if you don’t come to the negotiating table with favorable fill-ins and other options for when you won’t be at her side.

First, tell her you simply can’t do it all — you can’t afford it, and you don’t have the social capacity. But you do promise to be present when it matters most. Get that calendar out with her and prioritize every single event/party/activity, from “can’t miss” to “who really cares.” Of course, you’ll be the best boyfriend ever on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve, at her company party and the handful of traditions and house parties that are important to her (and thus, important to you, too). But what value do you bring to cookie decorating night or spending weekend days and after-work nights shopping? She can surely find plenty of Santa’s little helpers who would love doing that with her.

Remind her that the holidays may fill her up with joy and lift her spirits, but matching her level of seasonal socializing could turn you into Scrooge McBoyfriend. If you both go into this with clarity on obligations, breaks, and even time for just you two, you’ll find a balance that brings out your best.

As for gifts, it’s the thought that counts, right? Just get her a bunch of little things and one sorta big thing. Besides, your presence is the real present for her.

[Wayne and Wanda: Going home for the holidays and feeling guilty leaving my girlfriend behind]

[Wayne and Wanda: First Christmas with a holiday-happy significant other? Gift carefully]

[Dear Annie: A solution to the stress of having to choose between holiday family gatherings]

[Wayne and Wanda: Her family said not to bring anything for Christmas, but I want to contribute]