Dear Meghan: While staying with my grandsons, ages 13 and 11, I was injured by a metal bar falling on my head. I was stunned and hurt. The 11-year-old laughed. Neither one asked if I was okay.
I’m so disappointed in their lack of empathy and their overall disrespect. I’m not sure how to address this. I want to blast them, but I know that’s not the right thing.
- Hurt Grandparent
Hurt Grandparent: Thanks for writing in, and I hope your head is okay! Of course you want to blast them; I totally understand your anger. Physical pain plus having your feelings hurt equals frustration, and when we are frustrated, we want to attack.
But blasting the kids won’t explain why the 11-year-old laughed and why neither grandson asked if you were okay. To understand why kids may laugh at things like this, let’s understand what empathy is (and isn’t). The Greater Good magazine defines empathy as “the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.” You may think these boys are old enough to sense how you were thinking and feeling, but empathy doesn’t always lead to compassionate action (checking on you, getting ice, taking it seriously).
Reaching out and tangibly caring for another person feels far more vulnerable than understanding how someone is feeling. It puts the boys in a position of caretaker, of saying something loving and acting proportionately to that love. It’s another level of maturity and, if they aren’t practiced at it, it may not come naturally. Maybe they’ve been shamed out of it by their peer groups, or maybe the adults in their lives have been sarcastic and mean when faced with a similar situation.
As for laughter, think of the show “America’s Funniest Home Videos” (which is still going!). The entire show is based on the idea that we watch someone get hurt or humiliated or scared, and we laugh heartily. We laugh because we know that no one is seriously hurt, and humans generally love physical and slapstick humor. Your grandson may have laughed because he thought it was a little funny.
People also laugh when they are uncomfortable. Staying open, empathic and compassionate requires vulnerability, and that can be a tall ask for any 11-year-old, especially an 11-year-old boy. Sadly, our culture still doesn’t prize sensitivity in our young men and shames it in both subtle and overt ways. Compassionate acts are seen as soft skills, and those are most prized in girls and women, so boys are trained early to turn away from their empathy and compassion.
What should you do about this? First, I would assume the best intentions and try to find your soft heart for both your grandsons. It’s perfectly fine to sit them down and say: “I got clunked in the head with a metal bar. Yes, I’m okay, but you guys didn’t react much. Talk to me about this.” They may shrug, but wait them out; don’t rush to fill in silence. Don’t judge them, just listen carefully and stay curious. You can absolutely say: “It hurt my feelings a bit that no one offered to get ice. I also understand what it means to feel awkward when someone gets hurt.” If you try to shame them, you may find yourself shutting them out.
Secondly, take your role as a grandparent seriously. It is often the case that grandparents and teachers can help boys express their emotions in ways that parents cannot. If you shame them, boys are less likely to access more empathy and acts of compassion, but if you stay loving, they are more likely to open up, share their emotions and be more vulnerable. It takes consistent and warm relationships for compassion to be drawn out.
As you spend some time with your grandsons, place them in positions where they can act compassionately. Animals and younger children are usually surefire ways to bring out empathy and compassion. If you have access to younger grandchildren and cousins, create scenarios where the boys must respond to the needs of young children (while you stay nearby, of course). Any kind of caretaking of a dog will elicit compassion from humans, so can your grandsons volunteer with animals? Having age-appropriate expectations on your grandsons will spur their courage to act compassionately, and when they do, please notice it and praise them.
Yes, you can be angry with them and yes, you can share your anger, but quickly move on to grandparenting and mentoring them to not just be empathic, but to also be compassionate. It may take a while, and you may not see the results, but they are paying attention! Pick up “How To Raise a Boy” by Michael Reichert for more good ideas. Good luck.