Dear Eric: My son and my niece had been friends since childhood but had a falling out about a decade ago. She confessed to him that she was cheating on her husband and thinking of leaving him and their 6-year-old daughter. My son suggested she talk to a professional before making a rash decision. She then badmouthed him to everyone else in the family and stopped talking to him for years.
Her husband was also cruel to my son at the time, though he didn’t know about the affair.
After a few very awkward family holiday dinners, my son started to stay away if she was going to be there. This really upsets me, and I keep asking him to attend. I’ve also been asking him for years to reconcile with her, which just seems to make him more stubborn. It’s the only thing we fight about. What can I do to make him let this go?
– Caught in the Middle
Dear Middle: Why should he be the one to let this go? I don’t see anything in your letter about your niece or her husband trying to make amends for what they did to your son. And, from your telling, your son didn’t do anything wrong. So, when you press him to come to these awkward dinners, it probably sounds to him like you’re taking your niece’s side. I’m curious why that is.
I’d strongly encourage you to see things from his perspective and extend compassion to him. The awkwardness of these dinners is not his fault. Your niece stopped talking to him for years; her husband was cruel. I wouldn’t want to eat with these people either.
With all this past unhappiness, the worst outcome would be for this disagreement to poison your relationship with your son, too. So, please stop bringing it up. If you want to mend things, tell him that you shouldn’t have been pressuring him and you’re sorry.
Dear Eric: I am troubled by your advice to Depressed about Disorder, the woman who felt her husband’s idea of a clean house was not up to her standards.
Your advice included: “Moreover, if you’re bringing in the money to pay for (a cleaning service), your husband’s veto should have no power.”
What? I have been married for more than 50 years and during this time, my husband worked while I stayed at home to raise our four children. We have always felt that his paycheck was “our money” and decisions were made by both of us. Under no circumstances does the wage earner have the right to dismiss the ideas or concerns of the stay-at-home partner.
– Equal Pay
Dear Equal Pay: What a mess I’ve made here. Plain and simple – I chose the wrong words. I certainly don’t think that one earner’s paycheck entitles them to more say in a marriage or partnership. What I was trying to say – quite unsuccessfully – was that sometimes you buy yourself things to make yourself happy. But a relationship is about communication, not receipts. So, this couple needs to feel comfortable with what their money is being spent on. I didn’t mean to denigrate anyone based on what they bring into the home, and I apologize that I didn’t communicate that clearly.
Dear Eric: My daughter goes to Catholic school, her best friend who is also Catholic goes to public school. This is the second year in a row her friend had a huge birthday experience/celebration on a day when public school was closed but parochial school was not. My daughter is heartbroken and angry at me that she missed this event, and all the fun photos online are a reminder that she was excluded. I have a feeling this is going to be an annual thing, and my daughter will continue to be left out. Should I speak to the mother and ask her to plan future parties on days when my child, her daughter’s best friend, can also attend?
– Party Pooper
Dear Party Pooper: Contacting the other mom is a good first step. She may not realize that your daughter isn’t off on the days of the birthday experience, so talking it through could avoid some hurt feelings on all sides.
Depending on what else is on the other family’s schedule, continuing to have the party on the public-school day off may be the best option for them and the rest of the kids who are invited. So, try not to take it personally if she’s resistant to moving the party. Could be easier said than done. If so, consider letting your daughter miss a day of school next year. Knowing about the event in advance can help you communicate with her instructors so she’s not being left out educationally or socially.