Wanda and Wayne,
I could use some advice but not on dating — this is about navigating Thanksgiving, which is normally not a problem. I’m a young adult from a passionate, loving family with a long tradition of getting together for huge Thanksgiving feasts with extended family and friends. All of my three siblings are married — I’m not, so that’s added to the perspectives. It’s a lot of people and energy and always fun. We all look forward to it, but this year I’m dreading any drama that’s bound to come with it given how heated things have been politically especially after the election results came in this week.
I won’t share my political beliefs with you but will say our family’s always been engaged in politics, and we’re all over the map with our opinions on our local, state and national issues and candidates. Eight years ago when Trump won, we got through Thanksgiving without too much tension. A few had some serious reactions — some were shocked, others curious, a few thrilled — but no one rubbed it in and everyone kept things civil like a relatively normal Thanksgiving. This year feels different. The lead-up to Election Day was so intense for so long, and I saw signs of real division in our family group chats and social media posts while some just stayed completely silent which is unusual. I wouldn’t be surprised if some family members skip Thanksgiving entirely this year to avoid the awkwardness.
A “no talking politics” rule is out of the question for my parents, who raised us all to be politically and socially active and were excellent role models in that. They also feel like everyone is allowed their opinion but it’s not an excuse to be a — well, jerk. They’re proud that our family as a whole cares so much and that their gatherings are places where conversations can take place and then we can come together and break bread together if you will. I’m worried this could end up being one of those days/nights where people are more focused on winning arguments or gloating or being on the defensive or even upset than enjoying time together.
Is there a way to approach this so that we can all still have a good time? How can I help steer things away from arguments or heated conversations and back toward just enjoying being together? Or is it impossible? Any advice you could give on how to handle this without it becoming a total disaster would be much appreciated.
Wanda says:
Regardless of your apprehension about the potential for uncomfortable conversations and overbearing egos, your love for your family does come through. You’re lucky to have been raised in a safe place where opinions are valued and traded in a respectful way. And your parents sound like real rational rock stars who captain a steady ship.
So perhaps you should give your crew the benefit of the doubt. There is clearly a family culture of spirited debates without hostility, of strong opinions without malice, and of challenging conversations whose goals are to build understanding, not win or lose. Yes, we’re coming out of a crazy contentious, loud, long election season — but your family is still your family. Add to that the fact that at the time of writing this, Thanksgiving is still many weeks away, providing even more time for the dust to settle.
If you have specific doubts about any family members in particular, why not run offense? Call them in the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving and give them a chance to share their thoughts and opinions. Offer to meet them for coffee or a meal or beer and give them space to unload. You don’t have to agree, disagree, or even speak at all; just by listening, you can help alleviate build-up, give them a platform to be heard, and perhaps detour, defray and deflect what would have emerged as a Thanksgiving Day rant.
Wayne says:
Sure, few things divide people and boil up emotions faster and more dramatically than modern politics … but few things bring people together like great meals, longtime traditions, and family love.
Look, the election was just a few days ago and high emotions are not exclusive to you or your clan right now. The whole spectacle of the past six-plus months and the volume of commentary that was always turned up to 11 has worked us all over. It’s tough not to still feel on edge or emotionally beat up coming out of this election cycle. But I would hope that you and the family and friends could find at least two things that everyone agrees on: that you’re all happy that this chapter in our state and country’s history is over, and that you’re all looking forward to what’s always brought you together. Some good old-fashioned family fun, rather than reeling or rocking with the results, is exactly what everyone could use right now.
Yeah, our world is a little more complicated and confrontational than that, I know. But it isn’t too much to ask that everyone follows in your parents’ examples by acting like adults and being respectful of one another and their opinions, like always. And if/when things get heated, agree to disagree, stop passing judgment, sit down and pass the mashed potatoes instead.
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