Wanda and Wayne:
I need some advice. I’m torn about what to do for the holidays. I’m in my 20s and doing really well since moving here after college. I’ve even been dating this amazing woman for a few months now. She’s honestly incredible, but things are still pretty new.
Every year since moving here, I fly home for Thanksgiving and Christmas to see my family and we all look forward to it. This year though I feel totally stuck between what I want to do and what feels right. My girlfriend doesn’t have a big friend circle here, and money is tight for her. So she’ll probably spend the holidays alone if I leave. She isn’t trying to make me stay and has even said she fully supports me keeping the tradition of going home, but I’m already feeling guilty and struggling with thinking of her being here by herself.
At the same time, it feels way too early to bring her with me to meet my family because I know we’ll both be bombarded with questions about our relationship. I also didn’t come out as bi to most of my family and friends from home until a few years ago and it’s something that I feel like a lot of them are still getting used to even though they all totally support me and my decisions. And honestly, a big part of me really just wants quality time with my family and a few old friends, just the usual comfort of being home without any pressure of being a tour guide or taking away from my time with the people I love.
So do I go back home like always and let her know she’ll be OK on her own? Or do I stay here so she’s not spending the holidays by herself? I’m afraid of making the wrong choice, either by rushing things or by leaving her alone at a time when people should feel connected and loved. Any advice on how to figure this out would mean a lot. Thanks.
Wayne says:
The Halloween candy has barely hit the sales rack and we’re already dealing with holiday drama! I bet Wanda’s already deep into her Hallmark holiday movie lineup, too. Seems to come earlier every year.
I think you know exactly what you want, and you should do that. Trusting your instincts and living on your terms have put in you in what sounds like a pretty good spot: a great life and new home in Alaska, tight ties with your family and the place you grew up, a promising relationship, and clear insight on yourself and your needs. Following your own path has also given you the confidence to make big decisions and not look back. This situation is no different.
Sure, you care about your girlfriend, but you aren’t responsible for her needs, even during the holidays, and her feelings shouldn’t come before your own. Being honest with yourself and her is one of the best ways you can continue strengthening this relationship and building a foundation of communication and honesty.
Understandably, you’re in a delicate space on the relationship timeline. So make some special plans with her. An early Friendsgiving? A New Year’s Eve party for just you two? Just know that no matter what you decide, you’re already a great girlfriend because you’re considerate and thoughtful, and I hope your new GF appreciates that. A lot of daters out there wouldn’t hesitate or struggle with this decision.
Wanda says:
If this was a Hallmark movie, you’d leave the big city and head home for the holidays, where amid a Thanksgiving bake-off or quest to save a Christmas tree farm or an earnest effort to rescue the town holiday pageant, you’d reconnect with an old flame who’s miraculously still single and great-looking, and live happily ever after.
It’s funny how so many of those Hallmark-esque movies find lead heroines looking backward and regressing to old traditions, patterns and relationships. So rarely do they realize their life lies ahead in promising new pathways, partnerships, and opportunities! Yes, going home for the holidays is special, especially when we actually enjoy being around our families, and it sounds like you do. You also love being around your gal and you’re worried about her holiday loneliness because you do care so much.
So split the difference: Pick one holiday to go home and pick one to stay put. Then you get your family face time, and on the other holiday, well, you can FaceTime! Myself, I’m a sucker for Thanksgiving with the family, while I love soaking up the wintry holiday solstice season here in Anchorage.
By spending one holiday with the family and another here, you’re maintaining important connections to the past but also building up your future. After all, going home for both holidays is a lot — a lot of time, a lot of money, and a lot of leaving your real daily life behind to go home again. Part of adulting is building your own holiday traditions, and that’s never more wonderful than when you’ve found an inspiring quality partner.
[Wayne and Wanda: Do I need to invite my girlfriend to my family’s holiday gatherings?]
[Wayne and Wanda: First Christmas with a holiday-happy significant other? Gift carefully]
[Wayne and Wanda: My boyfriend is great to me, but awful to service-industry workers]