Dear Sahaj: A few years ago, my husband and I relocated from our (beloved) hometown to a new city. My stepdaughter talked us into it so that she could help with his declining health. He passed away a year later.
Now I find myself in a strange and undesirable city and, aside from a few acquaintances, my stepdaughter is the only person I know. She is close to my age. We don’t socialize, but she has become involved in my medical care. This mostly includes driving me to and from procedures that involve anesthesia, so I can’t go alone. I’ve been doing my best to stay on her good side because, with my condition, her help is a matter of life and death.
The problem is that my praising, smiling and always agreeing with her is wearing thin. When I don’t act as expected, she gets angry. For instance, she found some porch furniture online that she thought I should buy. I gave her five reasons I didn’t like it. Her response was that we had to pick it up soon so that it didn’t get sold to someone else. When I refused, she got angry and hung up the phone on me.
The anxiety and depression I feel is getting worse. Is there anything I can do to make this relationship tolerable? Therapy is not an option in or anywhere near this small city.
- Close to the Edge
Close to the Edge: You can be grateful for what your stepdaughter is doing for you, and you can be upset at how she’s talking to you. The fears that are keeping you from speaking up are also keeping you from having a deeper, honest relationship with her.
What happened after she hung up on the phone with you? Did you tell her that you didn’t appreciate being treated that way? Did she apologize? Or did you both act like nothing happened - deepening your discomfort and anxiety around her and absolving her of taking accountability in the relationship?
You are shaming yourself into feeling grateful for all your stepdaughter is doing for you rather than dealing with what you’re actually feeling. When gratitude is expected and is an integral part of a relationship, it can lead to feeling indebted or like you’re not allowed to disagree or advocate for yourself. This creates a power differential where you feel like your feelings or needs matter less. You’ve equated being grateful with being compliant. But you can be grateful and you can assert your own feelings. By acting one way but feeling another you are not only misleading your stepdaughter, but you are actually betraying yourself and your own needs.
What does making the relationship “tolerable” even mean to you? Be honest about what you are okay with in, and want from, the relationship. You may decide it’s simply being cordial when she drives you to doctor appointments and not having a deeper relationship outside of that, or you may find that you want to feel connected to your stepdaughter in ways that don’t revolve around your health.
Be clear about what you are feeling since you are engaging with her regularly. Try using positive reinforcement while also using I-language. This may sound like, “I appreciate that you care so much, but I feel like you weren’t listening to me when I was trying to tell you that I didn’t want the furniture you showed me.” Or next time you’re in the car on the way to the doctor, say something like, “I am so grateful for your help, but I felt really hurt when you hung up on me yesterday.”
If speaking up doesn’t change anything and accepting your stepdaughter’s help feels untenable, it’s worth considering alternative options for rides to and from your doctor visits. Look into national programs or databases, or even ask your doctor about a referral to a social worker that can help you navigate this systemic barrier. Even more, what does it look like for you to build community in your new home city? It sounds like you may be experiencing feelings of resentment for your daughter “talking you into” moving. Can you join a book club at your local library branch? Or get to know your neighbors better? Or take on a new online class or hobby to meet other people virtually? I encourage you to consider how you can expand your sense of community if you plan to stay or consider what moving may realistically look like for you.
Finally, I know you think therapy is “not an option” but I want to challenge that getting support is more accessible than ever with online platforms and communities. You can consider joining Facebook groups to feel less alone in your grief. Or you can utilize databases like Psychology Today or Open Path Collective to find therapists who offer virtual sessions in your state that you can have in the comfort of your own home. More immediately, you can reach out to support through helplines. Even though you may feel lonely, please don’t think you have to struggle in silence. Good luck!