Dear Eric: This letter is probably best read after that first cup of morning coffee. My husband of 50-plus years has a habit of peeing outside, even though his office is equipped with its own bathroom.
His dad and uncle did the same thing, but they chose an old patch of ivy for their “offerings.”
My husband stands over beautiful landscaping on our small patio. I have expressed many times that I am offended, the plants are offended, and that he should stop this grossness, if for no other reason than that It upsets me so much.
When he is caught, he apologizes profusely but it happens again and again. I feel disrespected. I am thinking this issue is about more than marking his territory. Can you help?
– Sad in Urinetown
Dear Sad: Well, I had my coffee but, alas, it didn’t help. If your husband’s been doing this your whole marriage – perhaps even his whole life – I’m tempted to say you can’t teach an experienced dog new tricks. Except he’s not a dog and he’s not staking a claim on a new neighborhood hydrant.
When it comes to marking territory, you and he already marked the territory by signing your mortgage or rental agreement. And you marked it again by paying for or working on your landscaping.
So, you’re right – it is disrespectful to you that he can’t find another al fresco W.C. or change his habit up. I’m perplexed by his profuse apologies followed by him doing the exact same thing. Whether this is a very specific pattern of forgetfulness or a blatant disregard of your feelings, it’s reason for concern.
I can’t tell from your letter if you suspect he may be having memory problems, but if that’s an option, you’ll want to talk to him and your doctor about other signs you’re noticing. If, however, he’s just set in his ways, set yourself in your ways, too. Tell him you’re tired of being upset by this behavior and you need him to respect you enough to make a change.
Also, you know those little yard signs discouraging people from letting their dogs do their business in the yard? You may want to invest in one and post it on your patio. For an audience of one.
Dear Eric: For a time, my husband and I were struggling mentally, financially and in every practical way possible. We asked nearby family members for support with moving to a new town. The family – a husband and wife – staged what I later realized was intended to be an “intervention” of sorts about our decisions.
A few days later, the wife was being very chatty via text, asking everything under the sun about the move. I didn’t think anything of it, until the husband (my blood relative) called me and blew up on me about everything the wife had relayed back to him. He was yelling, berating me and asking how stupid I could be. I hung up on him and then sent a text message to both of them telling them they don’t have to agree with our decisions, but they can’t talk to me like that.
There was more berating via text. The wife stated that because I was always asking their opinions and for advice, they were entitled to talk to me that way because of how they felt about decisions my husband and I were making.
A week later, I received another text message from the husband stating that I was being irrational, manipulative and that he was entitled to more respect than for me to behave like this. I can’t stop trying to figure this out: is this as ridiculous as it feels to me or does going to someone to talk about things give them the right to light you up if they don’t like what you’re doing?
– Bad Advice
Dear Advice: Advice is not the law. I, as an advice columnist, do not wear a robe nor do I have a gavel. This was a sad surprise for me upon starting this job as I love a good costume. But facts are facts. Your relatives can express their feelings about your decisions, they can even privately gossip about you, if they so choose. But you’re not beholden to them.
And being asked for advice certainly doesn’t entitle anyone to insult, berate or belittle. (This is also a helpful reminder for those writing responses to advice column answers.)
You came to your relatives with a need for emotional support and guidance. Advice is a suggestion. It’s an offering. It’s optional. For them to respond with decrees and diatribes indicates that they’re not actually the right people to support you.
Hold your boundary with them and if they can’t respect it, block them. That’s just my suggestion.