Wanda and Wayne,
The one-year milestone with my boyfriend is coming up, and I’d love your perspective on a potential red flag. Backstory: We’re in our late 20s. He treats me better than anyone I’ve ever been with, and we’ve connected deeply. We’ve traveled, met each other’s friends and family, and are aligned on all of life’s big things — values, goals, future dreams, etc.
There’s something I can’t ignore, and it has me questioning if I can commit long-term: the way he treats people in the service industry. He never says please or thank you to servers, bartenders, Uber drivers, or cashiers. At best he’s cold, and at worst, dismissive. He pays bills without hesitation, but he clearly dislikes the interactions, feeling like he’s being pressured, interrupted, or getting ripped off. He tips the minimum or not at all if he feels like he’s “doing most of the work anyway” (like when he picks up takeout) or doesn’t think the work warrants a tip (barbers, car detailers, housekeepers, etc.).
I worked at a bar in college, and tips helped so much. More than that, I valued the friendships and tightness between everyone who worked there. I know firsthand how much kind words or tips mean on long shifts. So, when he’s rude or tips poorly, I am embarrassed and end up leaving extra cash to make up for it. He knows how I feel and understands my background, but he still can’t believe I leave extra tips, and says if people want more money they should find better jobs, like I did. He also believes tipping culture is out of control, and gets red in the face when a server brings our bill on an iPad starting with a 20% tip option.
He treats me so well and is thoughtful and generous with his friends and family. He’s even generous with donations and time volunteering. But I’m worried that his attitude towards strangers hints at a deeper character issue. What if this seeps into our relationship when we’re closer and living together? I care about him and want us to move forward, but I’m not sure I can stay close to someone who treats a specific group of people this way. Am I overthinking this? Or is this something that should give me pause?
Thanks so much for your advice.
Wanda says:
You aren’t overreacting; the way your boyfriend is targeting a specific group with ambivalence and dismissiveness is at best, unattractive and rude, and at worst, thoughtless and elitist. It’s one thing to dig in on frugality and tip at lower, outdated levels. It’s another entirely to grudgingly assign little or no tips with frigidity and disdain. Layer on the fact that this isn’t just about money; he can’t be bothered with simple small talk and gratitude. What’s with that?
It’s interesting that this otherwise all-around good guy (allegedly) is so obviously targeting one sector of society. It’s telling that said sector is one that by very definition is composed of folks who are literally working in roles of service. These are folks who log long hours for often low pay. This is the object of his condescension? It’s not OK. And his otherwise congenial and compassionate behavior does not offset his sustained discourtesy to and disrespect of an entire hard-working section of our society.
It would be one thing if your boyfriend was from a culture where tipping isn’t a thing (he’s not); or if you hadn’t made the effort to educate him on the realities of the service industry (you have). He’s dug in on his bad behavior and if he hasn’t changed after a year, he won’t anytime soon, or ever.
Wayne says:
Well, I sure hope your love language isn’t acts of service, because if it is, this relationship might already be cooked. And even if it’s not, it still sounds like you’ve got some serious overcooked food for thought.
It seems like you’re envisioning a future where you’re even closer, maybe living together, and you see his dismissive attitude getting directed at you when you’re just trying to help out or go out of your way to do something special. Or maybe you’re afraid of watching this arrogance extend to others he might see as “beneath” him: your dog groomer, the mailman, movers, romance columnists, or … you, if he ever expects you to take on a more “submissive” role. I can see why that would have you stressed.
You’ve given yourself a year to check out the goods — the good and the not-so-good, that is. And let’s be real, you’re still in the dating honeymoon phase. If his behavior is bothering you now, and he’s already brushing off your genuine concerns, imagine how exhausting it will be once he’s fully comfortable and not putting in any effort to hide the parts of himself that make you cringe. That’s a reality worth considering.
You have two main choices here: You could give him one final ultimatum (although, good luck getting someone who doesn’t see a problem to change). Or, you can save yourself a lot of stress and gracefully walk away. It’s not an easy decision, but in the long run, choosing what’s best for your peace of mind and how you want to live and love is worth it.
[Dear Annie: My relative turned into a snob when he moved into a higher income bracket]
[Wayne & Wanda: The election season is stressing my partner and our relationship. Help!]
[Dear Annie: I’ve rekindled a relationship but I’m seeing red flags]