Q: My mother-in-law laments my not being accommodating to her needs culturally. I am a White woman married to her Eurasian son from Malaysia. My MIL is of Chinese descent. She has lived in this country for 55 years and reminds the family how to eat, live and breathe Malaysian food and culture. I have always been open-minded but lately she laments my not being her nurse and caretaker and not cooking Malaysian food for her.
She complains and cries when she doesn’t get her way, and I feel anger at being manipulated by her cultural needs that I am not equipped to handle. My MIL treats her daughter like she’s too good to do the “heavy lifting” in her care. I am the only one who is asked to cook, clean and provide nursing-type care. With her own kids, she always had nannies and cooks, etc. It was a caste system that she was accustomed to, and she talks to me in a very condescending manner, like “the help,” when I don’t do things right.
My MIL is wealthy (but acts vulnerable poor), has a tremendous pension and can easily pay for the things she needs. She has never cleaned her house or taken care of her own children.
Her laments have made me the “outlaw” in the family and extended family overseas. Is it normal for her to expect an American White woman to be her caretaker in this country? Her daughter is her medical power of attorney, but she thinks this means she can tell me how to take care of her mother. She has been difficult toward me, too, and I am trying to figure out boundaries so that I can be faithful to my love of her and her culture without compromising my own values and cultural expectations.
- The Help
A: While “normal” is subjective, in Asian families, it is in fact normalized for children to become caretakers of their aging parents. But just because cultural differences are at play, doesn’t mean they should be used as an excuse for bad behavior. You are being given this responsibility without - it seems - an explanation as to why it’s on you or a level of intimacy with your MIL. That is unfair and frustrating.
You didn’t mention your husband once, and it makes me wonder what his role has been and how he’s been supportive to you or contributing to this dynamic. He should absolutely be an ally, a buffer and a mediator in this issue. Ask him for support. This may sound like: “I’m struggling to understand some of the cultural expectations your mom has of me. Can we discuss this?” You may collaboratively decide on standard responses to her, or he may want to talk to his mom and/or sister for you. Are you already making accommodations to your mother-in-law that aren’t being appreciated? Does it bother you that you have to accommodate her at all? It’s imperative that you and your husband get on the same page as a team, and explicitly discuss what your different cultural expectations are, if he expects them, too, and what you are or aren’t willing to tolerate. If you and your husband struggle to have these conversations with each other, or his family, consider couples counseling to discuss this further.
What does it look like for you to show up in the relationship with care and love while also taking care of yourself? Making cultural accommodations for your MIL does not mean accepting hurtful behavior from her. Having grounding skills on hand or advocating for yourself in a kind but clear way can be helpful. For instance, when she talks to you like “the help,” you might say, “I want to help you, but I don’t appreciate being talked to like that.” Or you may even discuss the cultural differences explicitly by saying something like, “I care about our relationship, but sometimes it feels like our cultural differences are coming out, and I just wanted to talk about it with you.” These may open a larger conversation around what was “normal” for you, what is “normal” for her and how you can come to an understanding.
I can see that you have thought a lot about why your MIL is the way she is. It’s simple: There are cultural and socioeconomic differences creating a chasm between the two of you. Instead of focusing on these differences, it will be important to find ways to bridge the divide. Validating her feelings does not mean you are agreeing with them, and it may sound like: “I know you miss [Malaysian dish or Malaysia] and things are different here.” Or next time she makes you feel like you’re not doing something right, you might say: “I am struggling to know what you really want from me right now?” This puts the onus back on her to manage her emotions and needs rather than you having to do something to quell them for her. If it feels too challenging to say something directly, consider indirect ways you can set boundaries, like how often you are around her - especially alone - or in what ways you engage in the relationship with her. You want to figure out how to have a relationship with your MIL while holding the uncomfortable truth that it may not be exactly what you want. I wonder: What would it mean to release yourself from having to meet her high standards and instead figure out what “doing enough” means to you (and your husband)?
Where empathy can help you resolve conflict, sympathy can help you create emotional distance and not take your MIL’s behavior personally. It sounds to me like she’s projecting unresolved feelings of living in a different culture. Instead of viewing her “lamenting” as manipulation, it could be helpful to see it for what it is: grief. This may help turn your anger into mere annoyance, and give you clearer answers on what you can control and want to do to deal with it.