Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I always thought my parents had a really happy marriage. As the oldest of their three kids, I can attest that they really gave us their all. They were the kind of parents who did everything they could to be at every game and school event. Our house was the house other kids wanted to hang out at after school. I have so many great memories of holidays and birthdays. I had no inclination that any of us were anything but completely happy.
My youngest sibling (she is 7 years younger) graduated from high school last May. As usual, my parents were all in, throwing her an amazing grad party, and then helping her move to where she’ll be attending college. Everything seemed as normal as ever.
So imagine my shock when our parents had a family Zoom call last week to tell us they’ve separated and are getting divorced. Nothing could have surprised me more. My sisters were crying. I was stunned. We demanded answers, and all they could really give us was that they’d grown apart over the years. When I asked how long they’d been unhappy and known they didn’t want to be married, they looked super uncomfortable until Dad said it’s been “years” and they wanted to “keep the family together” as long as possible.
They think they were being noble or something, but I’m furious. I feel like the last many years (going how far back? I don’t even know!) were a total charade. I thought we had a happy loving family led by happy loving parents and they were just faking it. If I can see past my anger, I’m also sad for them. I feel like they have each wasted years in a loveless marriage when they could have already been moving on with their lives!
I’m not sure what I’m asking for here, except some advice on how to get through this. Thanks.
Wanda says:
There’s a phrase called “empty nest divorce” that refers to couples who end marriages once their children have grown and left the house. Experts point to numerous emotional and social causes for this phenomenon. With kids having moved on, couples may find they have few hobbies or interests in common, having collectively focused for so many years on raising a family. It’s also a time when adults can rediscover themselves, free of the day-to-day responsibilities of parenting, and in that space, they may find their new or evolving identity doesn’t mix with their existing romantic relationship.
While these circumstances may apply to your parents’ situation, there may be other factors in play and information you’ll never be privy to. That’s hard, because you love them and care, and are also personally impacted by their decision. But it is their decision, and they’re under no obligation to share every last detail with you.
Their divorce is something you have to accept. This includes accepting their timeline. Did they let things go on past the point they knew the marriage was over? Yes. But given the loving, supportive parents you described, there’s no way they didn’t do this in what they thought was the best way possible, and for sure they wanted to minimize the harm on their children.
Wayne says:
A Zoom meeting announcing the end of the family as we know it? That’s cold-blooded, Mom and Dad. Why not just avoid all of the questions, crying, and histrionics of your children and just tag them in a social media message about the split? Thumbs up, fam! (Hopefully, someone recorded this and posts it on social — the comments will be fire!)
Still, if the baby of the family just graduated from high school — complete with a big bash hosted by peaceful parents — then I’m guessing you, letter-writer, are a full-grown adult who has experienced some adult things in recent years, after being protected, prepared and provided for by your parents. So dial back the “We’re living a lie!” dramatics. Instead, pay a little respect and empathy to how your parents handled this: They sacrificed so much and discreetly kept their struggles under wraps to make sure their kids — who aren’t even really kids anymore — could move into adulthood without a major divorce disruption.
Or maybe you and the sibs would have preferred mom and dad fighting and yelling every night, or not speaking for days, weeks, months at a time, or a public cheating scandal, or the two of them just going through the motions like loveless zombies? I’ll answer that one for you: You wouldn’t prefer that.
Yes, the end of this marriage is something of a tragedy for your family, and I understand your confusion and pain. But no one has died. They both still love you all. And it sounds like Mom and Dad are trying their best to be the adults in the room. You’ll all find new routines, new normals, and new ways to stay connected as a family. Hopefully not exclusively on Zoom.
[Dear Annie: Should I stay in a loveless marriage for my kids?]
[Asking Eric: Since my retirement, I’m feeling ignored by my family]
[Ask Sahaj: I’m dreading celebrating my emotionally manipulative mom’s birthday]