Dear Meghan: It seems every parent is putting their kids in therapy these days. Is it really necessary to have your kids going to therapy if they don’t have a particular issue? And therapy within the realms of daily stress seems like too much.
- I Don’t Get It
I Don’t Get It: For only three sentences, there’s lots of judgment here, and I am not sure what you are really seeking. Many kids do receive some kind of therapy. Given the increased accessibility to therapy, the de-stigmatization of receiving support and the definite needs in our culture (mental wellness issues due to social media and covid, for example), it seems clear to me that the needs are valid. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found an uptick in the number of young people who were in therapy in a survey published in 2023: “The percentage of children and adolescents who received counseling or therapy during the past 12 months increased from 10.0% in 2019 to 13.8% in 2022.”
You seem to answer your own question about whether a child needs to go to therapy if they “don’t have a particular issue,” when you state, “therapy within the realms of daily stress seems like too much.” Well, my response to both thoughts is: It depends. There isn’t a lot of wisdom in waiting until a child or teen has full-blown depression to send them to a loving adult to talk, and I would argue that most adults would benefit from simply talking to a compassionate professional even once a month!
I understand that you believe “daily stress” may not be therapy-worthy, but adolescents report feeling extraordinary amounts of stress these days. A study out of Stanford shows that teens’ brains have been changed by the pandemic. The study shows that kids who went through the covid lockdowns experienced accelerated changes in “brain age” usually seen in children who have experienced chronic adversity like violence or family dysfunction. You can be the best parent in the world, and still, you can’t combat those kinds of changes!
I find therapy to be useful for children and adolescents when they: want to go, when the parents are involved and when the therapist communicates clearly with the parents and child. You seem worried about parents who immediately freak out and send their kids to therapy after a small worry or even a full-tilt meltdown. If the parent feels like, “I cannot handle this child; a therapist will fix them,” there is often little success. No one, especially children and adolescents, feels secure when they perceive that they are “too much” for their loved ones. The true gift of good therapy is when the child feels the parent’s confidence and feels that the therapist is simply there to support - not fix - the child. Then the child may relax enough to trust the therapist and show some vulnerability. And that is when true change can happen.
In my perfect world, every human would feel comfortable going in and out of therapy their entire lives. Can therapy become a crutch and get in the way of action and growth? Yes. Can certain therapists interfere with family dynamics in ways that don’t support the larger system? Yes. Can parents too quickly run to therapists when the going gets hard? Yes, but I would rather see a world that holds mental health in as much esteem as it holds physical health.
I would also like to see a world that prizes appropriate vulnerability as the gateway to self-knowledge, compassion and healthy boundaries. Some people, children included, need more support with this than others, and that is okay. As long as the parents are part of their children’s world, stay connected and communicate that, no matter what, they are there for their children, therapy can be a lovely addendum.
You may be right; parents in your orbit may be sending their children to therapy too hastily so someone else can deal with their kid. But it could also be the case that you don’t know what is happening in anyone else’s home, and suffering takes many forms. You felt strongly enough to reach out to me, so I would stay curious about your judgment of children and therapy. Reflect on how you were raised, as well as your own biases around mental wellness. It could be that you are seeing a troubling trend, and it could also be that you could use some therapy. The true wisdom is to keep asking the right questions, and make it relevant for your family and you. Good luck.