Dear Annie: How do you know when it’s time to let go of a marriage?
Twenty-eight years ago, I had an affair. We managed to work through the turmoil, and we’ve had some good years since. But lately, we’re just coasting through life, merely existing.
Not long after the affair, he started drinking. To this day, he still blames his behavior on my past mistake.
I’m the primary breadwinner and provide the health insurance. He contributes very little financially through his business and refuses to look for a part-time job to help out.
We have one child who’s grown and, thankfully, lives far away, so the grandchildren aren’t exposed to his ongoing behavior.
When the grandkids visit, he’s able to stop drinking because he knows he has to. But as soon as they leave, he starts again.
When do you know it’s time to say “enough is enough”?
-- Tired
Dear Tired: You might feel tired, but it’s your husband who is “sick and tired of being sick and tired,” which is a common expression in Alcoholics Anonymous. Your husband is more committed to his relationship with alcohol than to your marriage. His excuses for drinking, along with blaming you for his behavior, are signs of a deeply ingrained victim mentality. This not only prevents him from taking responsibility but unfairly places the burden on you.
For any meaningful change to happen, he must recognize that he has a problem and want to stop drinking. Encouraging him to attend AA meetings or seek professional help could be a first step, but the desire to change has to come from him. You might find great support for yourself at Al-Anon meetings.
In the meantime, it’s important to prioritize your own well-being. You deserve a relationship where both partners are present, supportive and committed to each other. If your husband refuses to take accountability or seek help, it may be time to reevaluate what’s best for your future.
Dear Annie: We live just 20 minutes away from four of our grandchildren -- three teenage girls and a young boy. However, their other grandmother lives right next door. She has plenty of money and often spoils the teenage granddaughters with facials and manicures. She’s taken them to New York City, her beach house and is even planning a cruise to Bermuda with the eldest next spring. For Christmas and birthdays, she gives them expensive jewelry and designer clothes. We simply can’t compete.
And as you can imagine, in the eyes of teenage girls, it’s clear who their favorite grandmother is.
-- Can’t Compete
Dear Can’t Compete: While you can’t compete with material goods and holidays, you can offer something even more valuable -- your love and presence. A loving presence, where someone truly listens to you, is worth more than all the material goods in the world. You can’t put a price tag on love.