Dear Annie: It’s been two years since my husband passed, and at first, my friends were wonderful -- calling, visiting and sending cards. But now that I’m ready to get out again, something strange has happened: I’m rarely included anymore. My husband and I used to be invited to dinners, so why am I left out now? What’s the difference between five people at a table versus six? I always included my single friends.
Talking with other widows, I’ve learned this is common. I don’t think it’s intentional, just thoughtless. When I asked one friend about it, she brushed it off, saying I wasn’t missing much.
If you’re wondering if they liked my husband more, that’s not it; they still call and invite me to lunch. But for casual couples’ gatherings, I’ve become invisible. I’ve even hosted a few dinners myself, and they happily attend. So it’s not that they don’t want to spend time with me, but why the shift in dynamics?
I’ve decided it’s time to branch out and find new friends. This journey of “widowing” comes with unexpected challenges, including losing a place in social circles.
-- Widowing
Dear Widowing: First and foremost, I’m very sorry for your loss. Thank you for bringing attention to this issue. Losing a life partner is already incredibly isolating, and being excluded from events you once attended only makes healing more difficult. I hope your letter helps people understand the perspective of a widow and encourages them to extend more invitations to you.
The next time you’re out with your friends, consider mentioning how you feel. They likely don’t realize that you still want to be included. People can’t read minds; sometimes, expressing your desires is all it takes.
Dear Annie: Over a year and a half ago, my brother abruptly quit his job, planning to take just a three-month sabbatical. He had substantial savings, so we all supported his decision to take some time off.
However, those three months have now stretched into a year and a half. My brother, in his early 30s, still lives at home with our elderly parents. I’ve spoken to my father about the situation, but he’s too soft-spoken to tell my brother that it’s time to step up. This extended break is starting to drain my father’s finances, as my brother isn’t contributing at all.
I suspect my brother’s behavior stems from deeper issues like low self-esteem and lack of purpose.
Annie, I’m married and have my own family, home and career. If my parents and other brothers won’t address this, does the responsibility fall on me to have this difficult conversation with him?
-- Burnt-Out Brother
Dear Burnt-Out Brother: Your brother is likely already having difficult conversations with himself every day. You’re right; he may be struggling with low self-esteem, a sense of worthlessness or even depression. If you care about him, yes, you should try talking to him, but approach it with curiosity rather than judgment. Ask about his future plans and offer support as a friend. He may need guidance and encouragement to find his way again.
If he’s completely unreceptive to your approach, it might be time to have a conversation with your parents about no longer enabling his prolonged unemployment.