Dear Wayne and Wanda,
“Eric” is one of my oldest friends from high school. While he still lives back home where we grew up in the Lower 48, I moved to Alaska after college. While most of our relationship has been a friendship, we did have some moments of romance in the past. Once in high school, we kissed. And later when we were in college, we rekindled a connection when we were both home on break. We tried to sustain it when we returned to our respective schools, but we were too young to make long-distance work.
But we have kept in steady touch though, and we text constantly, and every time I visit home, we hang out. With us, it’s always like we pick up where we left off. There have been a couple of times since college when I felt like there was a flirty vibe between us but we’ve never crossed the line from friendship since our college days.
I felt like Eric and I always told each other everything, which is why recent events have really thrown me. About a year ago, Eric started seeing “Shelly.” I saw him twice in person since they got together and we were texting as much as always, and he never even mentioned he was seeing anyone. When he did finally tell me, he said Shelly doesn’t like me which, hello, she doesn’t even know me! We have literally never met. He said she’s just protective of him and not comfortable with him having female friendships.
That was bad enough, as I was sort of in a tailspin wondering what was going to become of our friendship. Now Eric has told me they’re engaged and getting married, and I won’t be invited to the wedding. He said it just makes Shelly too uncomfortable because of “our past.” But he is one of my best friends. I think it’s crazy I’m not invited! Am I out of line for being angry about this?
Wanda says:
To be blunt, you’re not going to the wedding. The bride doesn’t want you there and the groom already agreed to it, so that’s that, frankly. Since you aren’t changing their minds, focus on changing what you have power over: your attitude.
You’re all wrapped up in your feels as your friendship with Eric shifts and evolves. It’s hard when we drift away from old, important friendships, and it’s sometimes challenging to maintain relationships at a certain intensity and frequency when people find themselves in new situations.
First Eric had a full-time relationship to tend to. Now he has a fiancé and soon-to-be wife. She is coming first from here on out, as well she should. And on that note, it’s her wedding. While you see Eric as more of a friend than ex, maybe he sees it and has described it differently — and maybe Shelly doesn’t want a bunch of ex-girlfriends hanging around Her Special Day.
If you have any hope of being in Eric’s life going forward, you need to chill out and prove through your energy and actions that you aren’t a threat or competition but just an old pal from Eric’s past who likes to check in with him occasionally. Be prepared for the wifey to join you next time you’re visiting your hometown and want to meet up — at least until she’s more comfortable with your friendship.
Wayne says:
How’s this for blunt? You aren’t in high school anymore, so stop acting and reacting like it. In fact, it’s time to start living in the present and focusing on your future instead of holding on oh so tightly to a past that, honestly, is such an uninteresting and tame backstory that even the magical minds at Lifetime couldn’t piece together a happy-ending holiday movie from it.
Oh, you kissed a few times, meet up whenever you’re back home, and text a lot? Cool. So you have a hometown drinking-and-makeout buddy and a source for some good old high school flirting. That’s cute, but it sure isn’t anything of substance in the world of adulting that the rest of us, including Eric, are living in.
You had forever to make a romantic move on Eric or cement your comfortable and harmless forever-friend-zone status (which probably would have gotten you a wedding invite). But you didn’t, and now you’re shocked (shocked!) that Eric — who wants more than what you two have — is taking action by pursuing a genuine romantic life and partner, and everything that comes with it: wedding, honeymoon, house, family, dogs, minivan or whatever their version of the big dream is.
Look back fondly on the kisses and flirting and fun if you want, but don’t waste another minute stressing out about a relationship that wasn’t all that you made it out to be. Go out and find something real.