DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our daughter is getting married in about six months. My husband and I told her that we would help out financially, and have contributed a significant amount thus far. She and her fiance have to cover some of the costs, as well. The groom’s parents are not contributing anything toward the reception.
My daughter doesn’t share the same etiquette as I do on certain things. She balked at our wanting to invite seven friends, but then I found out that she invited about 40 more guests than originally planned. She will give all of her guests a plus-one, but was reluctant to do the same for her one aunt.
She chose to have a destination wedding that’s about 90 minutes away from our city. In our area, wedding receptions include an open bar, but she told me that they will only have an open bar for three hours, ending with a cash bar. We offered to pay for the additional hour, as we feel like you should provide for your guests, especially if you are asking people to travel out of town for your wedding (and possibly expect them to pay for lodging for the night).
She won’t hear of it. Their logic for not having an open bar for the full evening is that the groom has one friend who might drink too much. (Just don’t invite him?)
We are feeling a lot of frustration, as she doesn’t accept any suggestions from us and feels that she knows everything. Another relative did this to her parents: insisted that she knew everything, and then ran out of wine right after dinner. Our daughter has told us that she won’t repeat that behavior, but she is showing all the signs of doing just that.
Am I out of touch, or out of line, in wanting to provide an open bar for the guests? I see it as a courtesy, and if we are willing to pick up the additional $7 a person, it is worth it.
GENTLE READER: Just because someone is paying for a wedding does not mean that their decisions should dominate, Miss Manners has often said. But just because they are the parents does.
Your daughter’s rejection of your generosity is baffling. And her logic that the drunk friend will drink less for the one hour that he has to pay for it is even more so.
If your daughter is truly concerned about the well-being of this gentleman, then offer to close the bar and shut down the party entirely after three hours.
Faced with the prospect of ending the festivities early, Miss Manners feels fairly certain she will come around.