Dear Annie: I’ve reconnected with a high school friend, and it’s been fun catching up. However, she constantly talks about the past, and I’d rather focus on the present. How can I gently shift our conversations to more current topics without making her feel like I’m dismissing our shared memories?
-- Ready for the Now
Dear Ready: It’s quite special to have a friendship that’s made it through so many different seasons of life -- how fun for you two to rekindle a relationship all these years later.
The next time this friend brings up something from the past, try responding with something like: “I love reminiscing about the good ol’ days. But what about these days? Tell me more about XYZ!” This acknowledges her nostalgic side while showing you’re interested in more than just the past you two share.
Dear Annie: I’m dealing with a sudden loss of friendship stemming from a close friend who will not leave her abusive boyfriend. As the abuse has escalated over time, I have offered unwavering support and resources for her to leave, including offering room for her to stay in my home, money, an ear to listen, even friends to help move her stuff out.
Recently, things turned very nasty for this couple while on vacation. My friend was forced to seek medical attention and then fly herself home, where she landed at my house. I have young children, and they saw her devastated and with visible trauma to her face.
And yet, she went back to him. I told her in no uncertain terms that I cannot continue to turn a blind eye or support her in this relationship. I can’t stand to hear one more way he manipulates her -- emotionally, financially, physically -- and she accused me of forcing her to choose between a best friend and a boyfriend. She said he is her “best friend, but he suffers from trauma” and she wants to “help” him. I believe there is no helping him.
After a very tense conversation, she left my house and went back to him. I haven’t heard from her since beyond a thank you to a message I sent telling her I will always care about and want the best for her.
I’m terribly worried and lose sleep over what she goes through with this man. My husband thinks distancing myself is the right thing to do, especially shielding our young children from the visible effects of abuse. But I’m unsure if by removing myself I’m leaving her less inclined to seek help in the future.
What do you think is right?
-- Worried Sick
Dear Worried: I can only imagine how difficult and heartbreaking it has been to watch someone you care so much about be hurt over and over again by this horrible and abusive man.
You have done everything you can for your friend, short of physically removing her from this situation yourself, to be consistently and fiercely supportive and protective. Now you must balance this desire to stand by your friend with a boundary to protect your family from her boyfriend and their toxic relationship.
Continue to remind her that you are, and will always be, there for her whenever she is ready to take the leap. Remember that leaving an abusive relationship like theirs is scary and dangerous, and your friend is likely doing the best she can, whether you understand it or not. It takes immense courage to do, and I hope someday very soon, she will muster it.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) is also a good resource for your friend -- and anyone else who is the victim of abuse -- to have.